As a Christian, I always imagined that my wedding night would be the first encounter with sex for the both of us.
As a teen I faced struggles with masturbation and porn, and in a later relationship, I was definitely tempted physically. Still, as I prepared for marriage, I was grateful to say I was well within the “virgin guidelines.”
One night though, as my girlfriend and I sat talking about our pasts and our future together, she told me something I wasn’t really prepared for. I learned that when she was in high school, she was sexually abused. Later, because she already felt so dirty, when a boyfriend put pressure on her to have sex with him, she said yes.
We were in love and talking about marriage, but this confession threw me off and brought out a lot of insecurities. Although I had resolved to put our pasts behind us, I would find myself keeping score, or bringing up her past wrongs, somehow thinking doing so would justify the ways I wronged her. This hurt the woman I love and only brought me bitterness.
I entertained many harmful lies. I thought she would always be comparing me to other men. I thought that I deserved better. I thought she was lucky in a way — she already got to have sex! I was jealous. But I couldn’t have had it more wrong. Sex for her was a cause of great pain. In fact, her biggest fear going into our marriage was having sex because of the hurt it had caused her in the past.
Ultimately the lies I clung to put God’s redeeming nature in a box and kept me from loving my wife the way she really deserved to be loved. God wanted both our hearts to be restored and for us to know love the way he intended it to be.
I wrote this song for my wife. It was a promise to let the past go, to see her how God sees her, and to love her unconditionally. I wanted to show what I hope will be true for us — that years from now we’ll still be writing this love story —, so I asked two friends of mine to be in the video. I pray that years from now our love will look like theirs.
Having trouble letting go of your past or someone else’s? Talk to a mentor today in the form below.