Single, But Not Alone

And there are many of us good men out there that really hate being single and alone all the time, which isn't really fun at all. Meeting the right good woman is a real challenge today unfortunately for many of us men still looking and very much hoping. Very easy for us to really hate the holidays when they come around, that is for sure. And the ones that are married with their families, really have so very much to be very thankful for.

Ally, it is clear from your post that you are a follower of Christ and that's actually the most important event that takes place in our life here on planet Earth. As you know better than I, being a successful Christian single these days is very challenging so we turn to Scripture for "good advice" -- since as the article said, "I am in a relationship with Christ. Yes, I'm single, but I'm pursuing Christ, and He's pursuing me." It sounds like that's exactly where you are and the good news is that Christ is actively preparing a "restored new heaven and earth" (Acts 3:21 and Rev 21:1) where you will be able to worship and serve Him "forever and ever" (Rev 22:3). Meanwhile, you are free to worship and serve Him without the worldly distractions of marriage and can focus on pleasing the Lord, including remaining celibate (1 Cor 7:32-33). Please stay active in your church, maybe even starting a "older singles" ministry, The "right man" for you may be just around the corner, so while we wait on the Lord, we pray, "Abba Father, You created marriage as a sacred institution in which man and woman become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Ally desires such a marriage with a good Christian man and so we come to Your throne of grace for help. If it can be in Your will, we ask that You bring the right man at the right time into her life so they may be committed to one another no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love for them. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen."

There are good women out their too. I am single and celibate and looking for a good Christian man. Looks, job, race not important. But being celibate has gone against me as no one is celibate unless you are in your 20's. As a woman approaching mid 40's, the men in their 40's who are looking to have children are looking for 20-35 tops. The only men looking at me are in their 50's and 60's, divorced and not looking to get married or have children and the idea of waiting for marriage makes me a challenge or a joke. Either way I end up alone have not even been on a date in 20 years. And yes I struggle to be in church which is very family orientated and if they do have singles groups its all about the young people and remaining virgins until they are married. No one is talking to the divorced people telling them it still applies to them too. I find most men telling me they did it once and now they do not have to do it again. I am not looking for money, just a good Christian man who is honest and does not play games, does not see me as a challenge or unrealistic or a joke

As a single 56 year old in a church full of couples and families I find it very difficult.I left twice and had a tour around the rest here but they were all similar. I had two friends in the church and both only cos I worked in the church with them. Eventually I met a newcomer and we started dating. The leadership weren't happy with him for many reasons ( all of them misguided and wrong) and he left. Am on my own again. Part of me think it's pointless. I feel worse going than if I stayed home.

Well the way i feel which it certainly has a lot to do with it for us Good men that are having a very hard time trying to find the right Good woman to settle down with is that with so many women today that have their Careers now which many of the women are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry, which is the real reason why many of us men are still single today as i speak. We can certainly Blame the women for this one since they will Never Ever go with any of us men that are making much less money than they do, and God forbid if they really did. It is very sad for many of us men that would've thought by now that we would've been settled down by now with a Good wife and family instead of being all Alone today which it can be very Depressing for us to be by ourselves all the time. Since the women over the years have really Changed, there is No reason to ever Blame ourselves which i just have mentioned. If i had been Blessed from the very beginning just like so many others have, then i definitely would go to church with my family too. Where as i certainly have No desire to go since the church does cater to the Families more since we seem to be the forgotten ones. It is just to bad that many of us Good men out there weren't born at a much Earlier time since it was so much Easier finding Love back then the way that our family members did, and today it is totally different than it use to be. Peace.

I'm single in my mid-thirties, and I 'turned a corner' recently where the pain and isolation of going to church has become unbearable. It's such an alienating experience, that I think I'll watch sermons online at home instead of going. I'm alone every week anyway as the only person in my demographic - literally. By not going to church I can avoid the pain and isolation of not belonging, of being left out.

Left the church due to the fact that I was not welcome as a single. This was made obvious. Why these people call themselves 'Christians' is beyond me. Where is the love? Wanted the spouse and kids and the white picket fence but was denied through no fault of my own. God did answer my prayers for a loving spouse and a chance at a family, He said no. Apparently everyone in church thinks if one is single that it is somehow due to a deficiency on our part. Seems no problem to welcome mothers who tricked their husbands into wedlock with an 'unplanned' pregnancy and now are welcomed with open arms because of such blessed motherhood. What about those of us who sacrificed because we wanted better for our potential children and mate? No credit for that. Now we are rejected......

Hi Chris, thank you for sharing your concerns regarding being single and feeling so left out when in church. God never intended for such division to take place within the body of Christ, the church as a whole. You said, "...it does hurt when I read on all of my local churches websites that they are 'family oriented' and have a 'special mission' to care for families. Have you actually visited any of your local churches to see if they in fact might have something special taking place for singles that perhaps is not mentioned on their websites? If for some reason they do not currently have something established perhaps you might speak with the pastor and discuss about forming a small group fellowship for singles. God wants all of His children (whether single or married) to come together in fellowship. Perhaps God would have you take the initiative in turning this type of situation around within your local church so that others that feel the same way you do would feel more welcomed too. Pray about it and see what God would lead you to do.

I am in my fifties and never married (not by choice). I don't go to church as I find it the loneliest environment in the world for a single woman with no children. I do go out to other social events where my being single is not so much of an issue as these events are not family centred. Although I realise that the church needs to attract families to ensure its own future, it does hurt when I read on all of my local churches websites that they are 'family oriented' and have a 'special mission' to care for families. If only there were some churches which felt a 'special mission' for people on their own. I would go there immediately as I would feel welcome and cared for at such a church. I would marry a non believer as hoping for a Christian would definitely mean I will always remain single.

I understand the need for churches to attract young families in order to grow. The byproduct is the exclusion and negative labels applied to the unmarried members of the church. Nevertheless, I don't understand why other parachurch ministries do exactly the same!! Where are the Christian women bloggers who have anything to say about anything other than marriage and parenting? These topics are totally irrelevant to the single and childless, or to the divorcee or widow whose children are grown. It seems to me that anyone could create a really robust ministry - online or offline - for the unmarried and childless, and never run out of church dropouts to scoop up. The local church's loss is internet ministry's gain.

well being single for me really stinks, and i would love very much to meet a good woman to share my life with instead of being all by myself right now. i certainly know that there are a lot of men and women that would feel the same way that i do, and it is just so very hard connecting with the right person today. i was married at one time before my wife cheated on me which i thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and now going out all over again is very much the hard part.

Dear Gen, Thank you for those real-life comments (in your dec.24th responce)! A single (divorced) relative of mine left the church for similar reasons, saying that many people get in a rut and do not really express a living faith. A faith is just not practical when the deep inner needs of too many are not met! This is a very hard word, but we need to get back to the down-to-earth teachings of Jesus. HE showed us how to live, and was as human as you and I are. We cannot expect to live a perfect life, but I know that seeking to be Spirit-led and to be in tune with God will work wonders in my life. That relative of mine recently returned to the church, is very dynamic and active. Let me challenge you, Gen, to look for an active christian, and consider getting involved in church work. It can be very rewarding for your personal life as well as for the community. I was in Africa recently which really warmed my heart to see what God doing to build His church there! We are here to help them in various ways, yet they are quite an encouragement to us! I pray that you will be able to see the bigger picture, and ask God where you fit in! Blessings.

Hi Barbara, Thank you for your comments. Firstly - I must ask - Are you single? You write as if you are married with children. If this is the case, you really cannot understand SummerBreezes situation. No offence but when I was single I didn't just want a few good, godly, healthy women friendships that I was able to enjoy and call upon in time of need, I wanted a male partner who I could laugh, love and have a physical relationship with. My partner is a non-believer. I felt I had no choice to look outside the church. You are right, it is not up to the church to fix the single 'problem' but it would mean alot to singles if they were included more in church. Perhaps I need to visit America to find these Single friendly churches, over in the UK they do not exist which if why I gave up attending church. The best way to meet and connect with people is through new hobbies and new interests. I do not have any good godly healthy women friendships, the friends I grew up with in church left as teenagers and went their own way. The females I met during my church years grew distant as they met their future husbands, dated, married and had children. The single groups I were part of were full of students and older women, there was no one of my own age or who I could connect with. Gen x

Dear SummerBreeze and Gen, both of you have asked honest questions and have also given a great deal of insight pertaining to being single and the church not being able to address or "fix" the problem. It is not the churches job to try to fix the single crises taking place in the world today. God is the One in control and it is His utmost desire to fill the empty holes in these single people's lives first and then align them with a suitable mate in His perfect timing. SummerBreeze just because you are in your forties does not mean that you will be single for the rest of your life. Do you desire to have a spouse in your latter years? Have you prayed and spoken to God about this issue? Do you have faith in Him to bring you the right spouse as He prepares you to become a good mate for the potential spouse He has for you? Gen it is sad that you have gone to many churches and have always felt so let down by their teachings, beliefs and the way they handle singles. I have to differ with this for I do not believe that all churches are like this. I belong to a wonderful fellowship of believers who reach out to the entire congregation…singles, married, young, old, widows, and to the entire hurting world as well. Perhaps you have not yet come across and have been blessed by attending a church that truly is thriving, is on fire for the Lord, and reaches out to those within and outside as well. SummerBreeze and Gen there is so much to be gained by connecting with the Body of Christ, the church, and so much that the two of you can also give to other sisters and brothers in Christ. Have either one of you ever considered starting up a small group for singles at the churches you attend? My church is rapidly expanding and we offer many small groups to help people connect in a more personable way were deeper level of friendships can form. In fact, I hold one within my own home and am amazed over the different women that attend. Some are married and have children and still feel so lonely, unloved and valued. Others are single moms doing their best to raise their children while waiting patiently on the Lord to bring them a spouse. No matter if they are married, single, have children or not there are many issues that come up and it is wonderful when sisters in Christ can gather in a safe setting to pray, encourage and see one another through till God's breakthroughs come to be in their life and circumstances. Do the both of you have a few good, godly, healthy women friendships that you are able to enjoy and call upon in time of need?

Hi SummerBreeze, Thank you for your comments. Its reassuring to know that there are people out there who knows what it feels like to feel the pain of singleness. I do have a partner now (non-christian), and I have to confess I have chucked biblical teachings aside. I still believe in God but I don't believe in his people. For all you married but no kids couples - as SummerBreeze says you have each other. Why don't you try talking to Single people and making them part of your family? They might appreciate the love and friendship you can offer them. You might also happen to know a single guy or girl who might be perfect for them. x

shefalie - I'm sorry you feel left out while in church, but when you leave church, you go home you have a spouse there. People like me don't have that. Then you have your Christian married couples who complain about being left out because they don't have kids. I'm sorry you feel overlooked too, married- couples- with- no- kids, but again, you at least have a life partner to go home to and sit with in the pew at church. Us unmarried people are not only ignored at church but we go home to a cold, empty house or apartment. We don't have someone to hold hands with during the church service.

Gen, try being early 40s, Christian, female, and still single. I'e never been married. I was engaged once. I skimmed several of your posts here, and while I agree with much of what you wrote and relate to it, you should not so easily dismiss the comments or experiences of the 50 year old woman you heard speak at a single conference. There's nothing unique, special, or any more difficult about being single now in 2012 at age 30 than there is with her being single when she was in her 30s, or me in my 30s. When I was in my 30s, the church did not have any single 30ish men either. This is nothing new. Being an unmarried Christian at age 40 / 50 in 2012 is not necessarily easier or less lonely than being single at age 30 in 2012. In some ways, though, at times, it can be easier, because as you gain life experience, and get accustomed to being single, it's a bit more endurable. The worst age frame to still be single is 35 to about 38. When you hit age 39, and you still have not married, you begin to grieve the loss and then come to terms with it and get used to the idea. And if you are really honest, you begin appreciating aspects of being single, like not having to compromise with a partner. You can choose what you watch on TV and so on. As for this in the article: "Lose the lonely label" Sorry, no. I understand what the author was trying to accomplish, but at times, being single means being or feeling very lonely at times, no matter how you try to deny it, sugar coat it, or downplay it. The American Christian church has failed never married Chritians over the age of 30. They are still acting as though it's 1952, everyone gets married by age 25, and has three kids by the age of 30. Census data reveal that most people these days are marrying much later in life or not at all (including Christians), but churches refuse to veer away from the obnoxious, nauseating "marriage- and parenting- centric" sermons, lessons, blogs, magazines, TV shows, and church programs. Then most preachers sit about and wonder and worry, "Why is the church shrinking, how can we get people back?" I used to be a very faithful Christian, I didn't have sex outside of marriage, and I was quite serious about obeying the "don't be yoked to an unbeliever" teaching. Now that I'm early 40s, still unmarried, churches ignore me and ignore my needs (and no, it's not selfish for a believer to want to get her own needs met, the Bible teaches that this is a personal responsibility of ours), and now that I see that God is still ignoring my requests, and I see the church is not of any use or help to unmarried people over 30, I am finally prepared to chuck those teachings aside.

Thanks so much for your input "Doing life...", I really appreciate your commitment to follow Christ no matter the cost. While I think that there are some people in churches who intentionally exclude singles, I imagine that for most people it is an unconscious thing. I wonder if you became the 'hostess with the mostest' and began inviting couples over to your place that they would begin to think of inviting you to there events more often as well? Perhaps you have already tried that.

One more thing, I am thankful for the suggestions to the Church that you made at the end of the article....and frankly, the article in general! :-) I like that you want us to move away from labels... of "single" and instead embrace the idea that we ALl are "whole" in Christ and some with life partner (married) and some sans life partner (unmarried). When I said "same old," I was referring to the fact that although your suggestions at the end of the article are VERY GOOD, it seems like a Herculian effort to actually implement them. I wish that weren't the case... but in my church experience,this is how it is, and unfortunately, I don't see it changing much.

I think this article is interesting...but it also is same old. I agree with Darryl, being single within the Church, is dreadful and only gets worse the older one gets. We talk the talk of "family of God," but honestly, my running and hiking groups (secular) are much more inviting and inclusive than the Christian church, at least for group events. However, honestly... there are few segments (Christian or secular) that actually do buck the system of "couples invite couples over for dinner," or "young families have other families over so the kids can play while the adults talk," and... oh, singles... well, you're just NOT invited. It's like we have the plague. I grew up in a screwy family (very harmful stuff) and was able by the redeeming love and healing power of Christ Jesus to heal from it... THANK GOD. However,this hard work happened in my mid-20s and took a while... so I was "finally" ready to date in my mid to late-30s. By that point, as many of you noted, the options for healthy, able-to-commit Christian men was MINIMAL. And, the late 30s early 40s Christian guys all wanted to date younger women. I dated an unbeliever for a while who was the kindest man in the world, MD, worked with homeless,fellow runner,etc,but he was not so keen on my going to church so much or aspects of me pursuing my Christian faith... and... I knew that was NOT going to work for the long haul. Sad, as otherwise, we were very compatible. Since then, dated a Christian guy was to fresh off his divorce. Now, almost 45, I am mourning loss of becoming a mother. I am not typing this out of a pity party mentality. We live in a world where sin entered in... and screwed things up in a BIG WAY... and there are consequences. My sense frankly is that there are not many Christian men because there are not man folks seeking Christ in general and/or the Church has gotten "off message" by becoming so judgmental, anti- this and anti-that, that many people are very turned off because they are NOT hearing the real message of Jesus... that He loves relentlessly and radically... and He heals... and He will never leave or forsake you... and His presence in your life will give you deep peace, beyond the fleeting peace that having a good 401 (k), a nice vacation, a BMW can give! In any event... I press on because... on one side, I would have liked to have gone Gen's route... ditch organized Church, meet, date and marry that unbeliever who was a very kind man, become a mother (before it's too late), etc... YET... my life might have been quasi-fulfilled with these things...YET really EMPTY. I know what it's like to be "hide" the deepest joy of my life, to not talk about Christ at all with a man I'd dated and that was VERY sad and left me feeling like I was living a fake life. I'd rather BE REAL about the redeeming love of Christ in my life and the joy I have in Him... and if I have to do this solo for the rest of my earthly years, then so be it. I simply would love to have a few Church folk actually stop with the segregation and discrimination stuff... yes, I do use those words intentionally... how hard could it be to put 1 more plate on your table, when you have that couple over for dinner? I'm a marathon runner, too, so it's NOT like I even need a lot of physical space... I could quite readily fit. I've had many vibrant life experiences... having lived abroad, backpacked large stretches of the Appalachian Trail, travelled extensively, worked in inner city homeless projects...and good listener,too, as I'm a clinical social worker... and a good sense of humor, too. So... trust me, I would NOT be phased at all being in the company of 2 couples. Yet, all I get at 45 is to be excluded by the Church because I don't have a life partner. I find this really bizarre seeing that one part of why I am single is obedience to Christ. I simply wish the body of Christ could ride up and really be the body of Christ... where one part can't say to the other, "Ooops... I have no need for you." We need each other.... we were never designed to follow the world's pattern of "couples only have dinner with couples," and "families only do things with families." NOPE... I recall somewhere in Acts the Church being described as being devoted to Christ and breaking bread together and having all things in common. MAYBE one day we will buck the system and move back towards really being the family of God.

Thanks Gen, I appreciate your input. I guess on one level I can understand why churches seem more interested in couples, kids and students: those are the ones that make up the majority of who attends so I guess a lot of the programs cater to those groups. I have talked with some single ladies who feel especially ostracized because they are seen as possible 'husband stealers'. Demographically speaking there are more single women in North American churches than single men so those 'Christian single men' that I am not supposed to get you started on--although I think you got yourself started on them without any help from me at all:)--can prove to be slim pickings for quality marriage material. I have also seen some other forces that can make life for a single in church very difficult. We had a group that met for a while in our church but it kind of got taken over by a bunch of people looking to score a spouse which made it really uncomfortable for some who wished not to be hit on. It is awkward to try and create an environment where singles can get together and be supportive of one another, that communicates the value of people who are single but still allows for singles to build friendships with potential spouses. I have seen those programs run by singles and run by married couples but it never seems really natural. I have always felt that it is far more authentic to create a place where we celebrate our diversity rather than segregate people into stereotypical demographic groups. That takes a lot of work and a lot of communication. People need to be able to express their concerns and hurts freely and be able to wrestle through how to make things work for everybody. I have to say, that if you remove yourself from church you take away one more single Christian woman who can help the church meet the needs of other singles. Have you ever had the opportunity to talk to pastors or leaders about your concerns in the church? Have you thought through how God may be calling you to be a part of the solution? I am not saying at all that church leaders aren't responsible to make the necessary changes or that married couples need to go outside of their comfort zone to invite singles into their lives, but you can't force that. All you can do is follow how God is leading you. The 'single crisis' is not going to get addressed if singles just keep leaving church. Out of love for one another we need you to stay connected and help us make those changes. I hope that doesn't come off like I am condemning you. That is not at all what I intend. But I do know that if anything is going to get fixed we need Spirit-led singles who are willing to do the work to help push the church towards a more holistic ministry for all people.

Hi Jamie, I have attended alot of churches and every one is only interested in couples, children, 60+s and students (18-late 20s). No one is interested in female singles 30+. The last church I attended hosted a 'single and fulfilled' seminar. The lady they interviewed was in her late 50s. She got up and spoke about her life and how she had never met a man to marry or had the opportunity to had children - but she felt fulfilled etc... I sat there thinking, how on earth do you know what its like to be my age 30 (at the time), in this day and age, and be single??! Don't get me started on 'Christian' single men! Those who I have met on christian dating sites have slept around in their youth and suddenly decided to look for a good unspoilt christian wife, or they may be divorced or like myself have never met a partner (these guys incidentally have no idea how to treat a lady - then wonder why they are alone?). Fortunately as I have mentioned in my latest post I have met a wonderful non-christian man :) How can the Church failings to Christian singles be addressed? Good question! BUT the fact the question needs to be asked shows why the church has failed. The church needs to realise that singles are not just 'one offs' - there are thousands of singles - most of which (if had similar experiences to me) will have left the church for good and be seeking their own way spiritually. Singles don't want seminars on 'how to be single and fulfilled', that just makes them feel worse! Singles need to be valued and be seen as humans. Humans, who are lonely and isolated and fed up of their 'christian married brothers and sisters' who have no idea of the pain they are going through. Sorry to sound so negative - but there is a 'single crisis' going on and I doubt whether the church has the will or inclination to stop it! Gen x

Hey all you Singles out there! I was listening to Focus on the Family this morning, October 11, 2012, and I believe it would be very beneficial for you all to listen to that broadcast - it was truly helpful and encouraging! God bless you!

What gives you the impression that the church is not interested in you Gen? Please don't misunderstand me; I am not claiming that people in the Christian church are not flawed. I am currently in the middle of a very disappointing situation with my church and there have been a number of people who have left. But the Bible does not leave room for somebody to love God but reject His people. John very clearly writes, "God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brothers and sisters, too." (1John 4:21) Again, please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that you are wrong about the mistakes of the church, but it is your enemy who will use those mistakes to convince you to isolate yourself from God's people. You see, when you are alone you are much more easily deceived because you are missing the objective input from others. I am very interested in hearing how you see the church as having failed you. I would like to explore how those failings can be addressed. Part of what I am facing in my church is that when people have a disagreement they pretend to get along but never actually speak the truth in love to each other as God directs us to. When that happens we never have the chance to really allow Christ to unify us. What I am trying to encourage is speaking out the hurts and differences that there are between us so that we can allow God to show us why He made us so different. It is messy because there is huge risk in people getting hurt but there is also huge potential in God binding our hearts together in a supernatural unity that can only be explained through Him. That is a love that would attract people and point them to their own need for God. And while I know the risk exists, I trust that God will lead us through the pitfalls and accomplish the miraculous transformation because that is what Jesus prayed for us. So you and I can play a part in that right now. We can speak the truth in love to each other knowing that it might get messy but looking to Jesus with confidence that His Spirit will lead us through the messiness to a unity that defies explanation. Are you willing?

Jamie - I'd have gladly welcomed the pain in marriage because atleast I would have had someone to share it with! Being single and a christian sucks - The church was not interested in me at all, therefore I do not go anymore. I still believe in God but not his people. I am pleased to say though that I have recently met a non-christian man, who is wonderful. We are getting to know each other slowly and I am hoping to go on holiday with him later this year. I've tried for years living the single christian life and all its given me is sadness, loneliness and made me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have had enough. The church has failed single christians.

And yet Darryl, reframing an issue can open up a completely different perspective. Yes there is pain in singleness but I guarantee that there is pain in marriage as well. The pain is different but so are the benefits. Living life focused on the pain of a situation can often distract a person from the benefits of that situation. I think Jacqueline is trying to help people reframe their singleness to see the blessings and enjoy those fully.

Its apparent that the problem of pain is poorly addressed in the authors article. If I smashed my thumb with a hammer would it be fitting to say "lose the your thumb hurts label"? We always try to make the painful "nice" , but truth be told , it's not.

Dear Gen Yes, Ihink that in order to be 'safe' and 'healthy' in a 'healthy, loving and intimate' relationship we have to cultivate boundaries and standards for ourselves in other relationships. I.e. I think if we are allowing friends and family to make comments and ask questions which are totally out of order and hurt us(and I have been there believe me) then it is likely that we will allow ourselves to be hurt (and abused isn't too strong a word) in a marriage (I say marriage because if we are Christians, this is what we would be looking towards in an ongoing relationship). I would say, don't give up on your desires but do follow God and his ways and enjoy your life now. Above all, know exactly who your are in Christ and be confident. Do not let others put you down. If you gain some genuine confident in yourself you won't have to confront others or say much to them because your wholeness will be evident. Years ago I pleaded with God for a couple of certian men who were kind of around at the time and there was some interest there. It is a bit of a saga but let me tell you that I thank God now that he did not answer my prayers, looking at these men now, their lives and what they have been up to - boy did I have a lucky escape! Christians or should I say Church people are very difficult to talk to - I must agree with you there, we need to be wise in who we talk to and what we say but at the same time I sense that like me you want to be honest, direct and straightforward, it is not easy! I still need to point you to the part in the OT where is talks of how the wicked seem to proper - will do that but need to go now. Love Sue x

Hi Sue, Yes this is an interesting conversation - to be honest it is so nice to be able to discuss this with another christian who doesn't dismiss my comments -so I thank you. I can no longer discuss my feelings with family and friends because I have had enough of being hurt by them. I will respond to them how you have suggested and will have more confidence. I am just so worn down by them. I was happy single but I think it is my family and friends negative comments which have made me this way - and I think thats why I am so upset about everything. I am a confident person and like you, I do love my freedom and I like to sleep in, do what I like at the weekend etc. I have had self-esteem issues in the past but I have worked through them but still have a sadness inside me. I am the marrying kind and although I do love my freedom - I really do want to share my life with someone. Although to be honest if I had a good support network in a church and was valued as a single christian I don't think that longing to find a partner would be as strong - I know that contradicts about what I said about me being the marrying kind - but I honestly think thats the problem - if that makes sense? Love Gen x

Dear Gen Thank you for your reply. One thing I would say, and I have said it to other singletons is to recognise that family and friends should NOT be making such personal comments or asking such personal questions about your single status. Get enough confidence to respond to a question by saying something like "oh, that's a rather interesting question, why do you want to know?". That should shut them up. Remember there is NOTHING negative about being single. Do have a think about ways in which you are comfortable in confidently responding to such questions and comments. Remember NEVER explain yourself and NEVER justify yourself. You are complete and you are OK as you are. I hope that helps a bit. In my own life, through my twenties and into my thirties I did think having someone to share my life with would be the be all and end all but now I am generally happier and see clearly that I am so lucky. I don't have to be pestered for sex, I don't have to compromise my weekends, when I go to bed I can sleep/pray/read - do whatever I want to do. I can cook, shop and do my chores exactly when and how I want to. I am completely FREE!! I'm not saying it is the same for you, but on reflection for me when I was desperate for a partner I can see there were a lot of self-esteem issues for me. My self-esteem has now grown a lot and as for considering a man in my life - I would never say never, but boy, he would have to be some man!! I acknowledge that if you are the marrying sort, and you are single, then life can be painful but I hope this helps a bit. This is a interesting conversation, so I hope you reply again. Love Sue x

Hi Sue, Thank you for your reply. Your words are very encouraging. I will keep praying and hope the Lord answers my prayers in a way that he knows is right for me.I know I need to trust in him more - its just so difficult. The ungodly do seem to prosper in life. I have been to a lot of churches and have spent weeks to months at them - (I am not a serial church hopper) Its just I always hope I will find like minded people who I can share fellowship with. But its always the same, I get ignored because I am single, or there is no one in my position. I have met another single lady through one church I attended and we are both still friends - but I am no longer living in the same city as her. I have made the Lord my focus for many years but theres just a deep sadness in me that I have never been fortunate to meet someone to share my life with. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I can't even attend my upcoming younger cousins wedding because I get so hurt by the comments from my relatives at family occasions asking when its my turn and why I haven't met anyone yet? Is there something wrong with me? The devil sure knows my weakness. I was content through most of my twenties as a singleton, but towards my late twenties and now into my thirties its very very painful. Love Gen x

Dear Gen, I am happily single in myself but have not been made to feel like that at Church. I still go but really it is a matter of dropping in and out to worship God - although I also do that at home. I believe God wants us to fellowship with other believes so I am continuing to pray and am waiting for Him to sort it out, though it does hurt. There is a huge part of the OT devoted to what the ungodly seem to prosper in this life - I'm at work right now so can't put my finger right on it but do find it out. I think that is why the happiest people do sometimes seem to be non-believers. Please don't waste time waiting for the right man as it is all in God's hands, but whatever you do please follow God's way in all things. It is not the 'Christian way' it is God's way and to deliberately disobey him is pure folly. If you can't get the fellowship you need in Church He will be with you in a very special and unique way. Make Him the focus of your life - get into his word and pray. Please reply again as when I am at home I shall email your from my home email in more depth. Love Sue x

Dear Gen. Thanks for your reply - I am happily single in myself, but like you, am not made to feel that way at Church. I still go but it really is just dropping in and out to worship God - it does hurt though because I want to fellowship with others who simply love the Lord. The Bible talks a lot about those who appear to be happy now - I can remember exactly where right now but there is masses on it - OT. Don't waste your life waiting for the right man but please do follow the Christian way in all things and seek a group of spirit filled Christian people who will support you in that (easier said I know, I haven't managed that yet). Trust me, if you think following the 'Christian way' (I prefer to call it the God way) has caused you heartache then just think of the eternal consequences of not following the God way. If you turn to God in all things he will be with you. I believe He will actually be with you in a very special way if you truly can't get the fellowship you need in a Church. To deliberately choose not to follow God - especially when it comes to a spouse is very dangerous. Please remember it isn't the 'Christian way' i.e., the Church or people - it is God's way. Hope that helps. Sue

Sue - You are so fortunate to be happily single. I have been made to feel like I've got the plague by other christians because I am a 30 something single lady. As I said in my previous post it is so difficult going to church and I have now stopped going altogether - I really don't see the point because as you say 'church just hurts'. Its bizarre that the happiest people I know in life are atheists or non-christians - it really makes me think about why I am wasting my life waiting for the right man to come along. I have decided that the next boyfriend I meet I am not going to follow the 'christian way' its left me with nothing but heartache.

I wholeheartedly agree with the comments here. I am in my mid forties and very happily single. Definately I am a complete misfit at Church although over the years I have been very involved in various ministries, sometimes I would 'do' things just to busy myself because I have been so alone in Church. It seems that married people find me a threat. My experience of Church singles group seem to be dating groups/support groups because of course we should all be so depressed being single! I have persevered for the 23 years that I have been a Christian and now Church just hurts. I love the Lord and His word but I could really do with a supportive Church where I fit in and can be really helped to live for the Lord.

As a christian single in her early 30s I feel like God has forgotten me. All my friends (non-christians) are married with children and I am so alone. Its so difficult going to church. Every church I have attended has no interest in single people, we are ignored.

I am a separated 61 year old women, after 38 years of marriage, I am welcomed by my church and attend a small group of single women. I am truly blessed by the women God is surrounding me with. I am attending a Celebrate Recovery Group at my church where God has been healing my hurts and carrying me through the storms of life, showing me how to live my life as a Woman after God's own Heart, My family is a a huge support for me as well.

I'm a divorced 57 yr old sick man, living alone after an almost 20 yr marriage. I'm a member of a mega church, and except for area home meetings there is no where to fit. Men's meeting has little(two way) since its too large. I have over 5 years made few close friends and glad for this type site

Wow! I am the oldest female and a widow. Often left out because they don't feel comfortable with me. Thinking of moving on because I do not fit their personna of a loving elder..voice to sharp...it is not easy being the only one who gets the criticism but is encouraged to talk...

Divorced with grown sons. I went to several churches, and got the cold shoulder. It really is all for families. I was made to feel I couldn't join any "small group" because my divorce somehow makes others sin. I never went back. I just feel, if attending church has to hurt that much, why go?

Hi sheril. My Father is indian......and my sisters also are in an indian community but we dont sahre the same faith....but its hard to be single in that community.....marriage is something they raise you with......can i ask if that is something you also find difficult within your community and what culture can often dictate.....i understand that in your church it can be really hard...even though we say God is there often we need people with skin on as well if you know what i mean....thinking of you....

I enjoyed reading the articles and the comments as well. I'm a single woman in an Indian community and it's very difficult for me. When marriage is all anyone in my church talks about and there are the divisions. Especially with couples younger than me getting married. It's hard for me sometimes to be happy for the newlyweds and new moms sometimes. I would love to join a Bible Study but my church doesn't even have one for single people. But I know God is there and I'm not alone but it's hard to sometimes not feel that way...

Hello All, I am a single mother, in my early 30s .. my my my! I enjoyed reading the comments more than anything, thank you all for sharing. There are times when as a believer, you can begin to think you are the only person with these types of questions.. I agree with most of the comments here .. married couples feeling threatned, the poor single woman plaque, etc.. my congegration had a series regarding this very topic. How to live a life as a Victorious Single..

wow what a lovely article .i WOULD LIKE THIS WRITER TO WRITE ARTICLES FOR OUR MAGAZINE PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME

Thanks for the positive comments. It's a joy to seek the Lord with you. Yes, this subject makes all of us think. The need for fellowship in each of our lives (different as they may be) is great. While we strive to get it right, let's lean on the Counselor together. His unbroken fellowship brings peace & helps us overcome difficulty when people let us down & they are not there. John 14:26-27.

This is a wonderful and needed article. I was lamenting the lack of this ministry at my own Bible Study group. I am single and except for Bible study, I do indeed feel very alone. There are small groups and I would be THE only single lady in any of them. So, I haven't joined those. Just the Study. I hope there are more articles on this in the future.

Octavia and everyone, thanks for posting your thoughts and experiences, you know for me....it has actually helped to know I am not alone with my thoughts on this church family stuff and how do i fit in here.....I don't know how the spiritual church or family is meant to work....but guess there is a place for us all if people will accept difference and not be afraid of the diversity of our lives that fit into neat boxes....somehow and somewhere we are all broken...... I experience the same as you with people who are friends and not at church...they just seem to be more embracing and non judging and just accepting..and welcoming......i dont know how we can make it more like that in our churches......i have tried......but obviously failing......and i too seek friendships outsdie of church becasue we all need to be part of something.....i know its not the answer, but will keep trying....

It is a good article and I find as a single woman in her mid-thirties it is at times very difficult to fit in at church because people are catergorized according to their marital status and age. You are either seen a threat to married couples or someone to be pitied. And my experience has been that fellow christians are hesitant about building realtionships with you. This a dangerous place to be. And my experience has been that non christians are more willing to befriend you than christians. This is sad and it lead to my backsliding, just simply because I was someone who gave up everything to commit my life to Christ and in doing so realised that Christianity and the church community can be very exclusive especially when you come broken into the church, hoping to find a sense of family that you haven't had. But through God's grace and his kindness I've learned to keep my focus on Christ and not on human relationships and I trust that God will send God-fearing men and women who honour God not only with their mouths, but with their hearts and lives into my life. Through all of this God has also made my look at myself and examine where I fall short in my relating to others.

Isabella, It's fantastic that you want to help! There is an article on Crosswalk that has some good ideas to start with. Rob Eager also has some really excellent resources. His book is the first book for Christian singles that didn't make me want to scream with frustration. His site is Dating with Pure Passion He has a study kit with videos and also does quite a bit of speaking. I think there is a list of conferences on his site too. I hope this helps.

I have been having this on my heart for some time. I am the event coordinator at our church and it is really hard to find any events, conferences, workshops totally dedicated to singles. I've actually had a couple of single women and men come to me and ask me to PLEASE organize something for them but I can't seem to find anything. Can anyone please help me or direct to a Christian site for singles where I can get some resources, information, ideas on what I should do? That would be greatly appreciated! Thank you and God bless!!!