Sibling Violence: My Struggle to Stop Hating my Abusive Brother

My brother abused me as a child and when my mom passed, he did not even tell me the date she was buried. How do I forgive him?

I changed my mind.

My next oldest Brother is 5 years older than me. For as long as I can remember, he use to physically abuse me. He punched my front teeth out. Split the back of my head open, use to hold a pillow over my face till I just about stopped breathing, then would take it of for a few seconds and smother me again. Back in the 70's parents thought it was two brothers "horsing around"....i didn't know any better. He always treated me like garbage. Stealing my Christmas gifts that he liked. Id build a toy model and show it to him and he would throw it on the ground, step on it and smash it. Years later he forged my name on legal documents. At the time, I was dealing with the death of my Father (evidently he wasn't) and just being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I should've filed charges against him but was consumed by the previous things mentioned. I have 2 older brother (15 and 20 years older than me). I was never close to them but they were idiots too. My oldest brother borrowed $1000. from me when i was 14 and I never saw that money again. I havent talked to my brothers in 30 years. All of this started to take a toll on me when I was 40 years old. I ended up in counseling, on anti-depressants, never married, have few friends, live alone. Im actually comfortable living alone. I get lonely sometimes but have no desire to get too close to anybody and that's OK with me. I feel safer. I wish my life had turned out differently but I have a couple of friends and good co- workers. I wrote my brother letters telling him how, what he did to me affected my life. I never heard back from him. When I stop and think about what he did to me, I could easily kill him but there are times I just wished I had a brother to talk to (both my parents are gone). At least I have a couple of friends......

Don't hurt your younger ones.

My sister abuses me almost eveyday I have bruises and scars and almost broken bones from it, my mom cant do anything bc my sister is my step sister and my stepdad always blames it on me and says its mu fault and stuff. She also abuses our animals in the house and kids and my friends at school, she often abuses my 4 year old brother as well.she hates my cat so much she but her in a box and she almost died

RJ from PA I am the youngest of 2 siblings,a sister and a brother. My sister always bossed me around and try to get me in trouble. My brother constantly bullied me and me being 61 still does. At our old house my brother got in my face and pushed me on the concrete driveway. I couldn't get up because the driveway is slanted,he laughed and said you're so fat you can't get up. Now my two siblings call me mental and my brother who's born-again throws me under the bus and I'm ALWAYS on the outside looking in. The new house consists of my 91 mom who has stage four brain cancer,my sister her husband and my brother and myself. So the 3 of them go against me. I'm the one who wipes my mom when she goes to the bathroom. My sister is morbidly obese. It hurts. I'm born-again also and it's a shame my brother doesn't practice what the Bible says about love and the light in us. I have a therapist who's also born-again & I'm on medication for sleep. I used to have anxiety attacks but not so much. Praise Jesus

I’m seven years younger than my brother and I’m 23 years old atm . I don’t remember a time where my brother wants abusive towards me , to name a couple here are a few events : I was 5 years old when he would grab and hold /hang me from my hair over the stair banister because I didn’t get him water I was 6 years old , he locked me in a crawl space in the loft with dog Waste for hours all because I didnt get him water . I was 7 years old when he would slap around both me and my mum around midnight . Me and mum would escape to the car , and we would drive to the nearest petrol station and wait until morning ( he would be asleep by then ) Even when mum was dying from cancer paralysed he would call her names , in the end she died when I was 12 , he didn’t even have the decency to attend the funeral. After mum died the abuse from him stopped for a while but started and continued with my uncle towards me for two years or so . He would constantly tell me how I was the reason for my mum dying and how it should have been me . He would beat me with a bible and a thesaurus not to mention the times he would kick me around in my own bedroom . I use to tell my Nan ( his mum ) everything but when she questioned him he lied . He said I made it all up , then the abuse started from my Nan towards me for a short while . When I was 14 I found myself on the roof contemplating the plunge to my death but I received a sudden phone call from my auntie ( my mums youngest sister ) who had a bad feeling something was wrong . She talked me out of jumping and calmed me down . Two days later I ran away from home and went to my aunts who later helped me reach out to my dad who I did not really know . He and his family took me in for roughly a year or two and life was so much better . Nobody was controlling me , I had independence and I made new friends . Eventually I started to talk to my Nan again as I did and still do love her dearly , and I even moved back home thinking things would be better but I was wrong . Years old my brother till this day is still abusive however me and my Nan have a good relationship. Sometimes I have that moment of weakness where I fantasise about dying but then I just push through my emotions and take each day as it comes . I might seem happy and jolly on the outside but really I’ve just gotten use to pretending . Inside I feel broken ( damaged goods ) I feel like my childhood was stolen from me and right now I just feel stuck . I feel like I’m only sticking around because I don’t want to cause my Nan any pain , so I’m throwing any suicidal thoughts in a small box at the back of my head hoping one day things will change

Thanks for sharing your story. I don't feel hatred toward my abusive brother but rather resentment. I need to pray more on letting go but it's difficult when it's still ongoing. I don't think the abuse will ever stop unless we become estranged with no contact. At first he said he did it as kids because it was fun but as an adult he justifies it by saying it's tough love. He said that he wanted to get me off my high horse and that he needed to break me down. If anyone calls him out on it his response is that the real world is cruel and I need to stop being so sensitive. The funny thing is no one in the real world treats me that bad granted I'm not around people who try to for prolonged periods of time. As I got older I realized the whole sibling rivalry as me being the newborn that disrupted his life so I could understand why he mistreated me when we were kids. We got along sometimes too so I don't see him as abuse at that time but rather he didn't know how to express his emotions other than hitting or saying something mean. He was a bully towards me and our family knew but they didn't see it as a big deal. Nor did I but I always wanted him to stop hitting me and being so mean for no apparent reason. However, I cannot for the life of me figure out why he continues mistreating me as we are adults now. We both still live at home so part of me thinks he hasn't outgrown it yet since he's use to treating me the way he does. I've confronted him countless times and he says he'll stop but that never lasts longer than a week. Then he promised to not do it as often because he knows it's not good but that he can't help it. I avoid being around him so I don't trigger him and that seems to help. Another part of me believes that if we were to move out and live apart he would stop mistreating me so much. He's rarely kind unless it's to ask for something like money, food, etc. If I tell him no he'll still take it from me, hit me or curse me out until he gets his way. I use to easily give into his temper tantrum but now that I think about it he never apologized for cursing me out or hitting me when I gave him what he wanted.

No more

My brother beats me too. A few years ago he split the skin under my eye with a sharp rock. It is getting worse. What should I do? When I don't run the 1/4 mile home, he will hit me with his binder full of hardcover books, kick me, punch me, or carve chunks out of my arm with his fingernails.

I think it is good you found a way to heal your relationship with your brother. I am in my 50s now and I have realized for 30 years that I will never truly be safe around any of my 3 brothers. One of them recently murdered his wife a week after a weird, out of the blue confrontation he had with me. He then took his own life, so he is no longer a threat to me, but I still have two other brothers. One of them is really trying to turn over a new leaf, but he is bipolar and struggles to maintain sobriety, so no matter how good a talk he has, I know in my heart that I must take his apologies with a grain of salt. It saddens me, but this is reality. Forgiveness isn’t always meaningful or relevant, and that’s just a sad truth for some of us.

Ugh. Just cut this creep out of your life. Forget prayer, forget forgiveness, just get as far away from him and your spineless parents as possible.

Remember that not all abuse is physical. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Yesterday I pinpointed the feeling running my life and where it came from. It's shame. Shame because I was "too sensitive" Then I realized that, from an adult perspective, being an extra sensitive person isn't a flaw, it's a gift. I was born with a blessing and a little piece of heaven, that's why the smallest sad things always made me cry. I remember when I was a kid, I saw a car flipped on it's roof and I started crying and praying that the people in the car were alive or at least in heaven, and I remember my sister mocked me whenever I did stuff like that. I couldn't help it, I was sensitive to things dying. I cried when balloons popped because in my mind, that meant they died and I didn't want things to die. It wasn't because there was something pathetic about me, it was because I was born with a very special gift, I had a heart just like Jesus. Being an extra sensitive person is someone who embodies love. I learned from experience, being ashamed of it turns the person to embody hate instead. I almost forgot I was a sensitive pure hearted kid. I'm still sensitive but I hid it from myself for so long in shame, I started believing all these lies that I'm bad and flawed, overly emotional and crazy. I lost all my friends, watched all my relationships fall apart, my university education slipped out of control, broken heart after broken heart, nobody understood me, nobody believed I had good intentions, I've been accused of being a narcissist even though I'm reserved and open about having low self esteem, everything I didn't want to happen, happened. Like bad luck. No one believed there was goodness in me so I pulled away from living life for 2 years. And it all points back to my sister making me feel ashamed for being "too sensitive". The narcissist in my life, my sister, convinced everyone that I was the narcissist. She even told my therapist that she believes I'm a narcissist and I started to believe it and doubt any goodness in me (therapist said it's the other way around, thank God for therapists). Then I thought about it some more and got this feeling that if I forgive my sister, then everyone will stop seeing me as a bad person and a bully, and they'll see the good sensitive person I know I am inside. I keep fighting to make everyone see it but the more I try, the less anyone believes me. It feels like a curse on me that my efforts resulted in the exact opposite of my good intentions. Something inside me said, once I can forgive my sister, my life will automatically be healed and I won't have to feel ashamed of myself (being sensitive) anymore. But I realized I don't know how to forgive my sister without her apologizing to me. Each time I ask her to apologize for everything, she gives me another bigger reason to hate her. The last time I asked her to apologize for her emotional bullying all our lives, she physically assaulted me for the first time. She pushed me into the corner of the room and screamed in my face "HIT ME I KNOW YOU WANT TO. YOURE NOT A VICTIM. YOURE A COWARD WHY WONT YOU HIT ME!" in front of her 1 month old daughter. I was a 29 year old woman curled up on the floor crying in complete fear and confusion and feeling betrayed by our dad who ignored my screams for him to get her off me. (I forgave him immediately because I realized he was comforting the baby.) Afterwards, she told her husband what happened, but she told him the story as if I was the attacker, and now I'm banned from seeing my baby niece until I apologize to my sister....for what she did. Our parents don't want to get involved, just like they didn't when we were kids, which makes it even more painfully frustrating. They both acknowledge how abusive she is to me but refuse to get between their daughters. So I thought what can I do?! I realized I only have one option left. So I prayed to God to help me find a way to forgive my sister. Then I had the brilliant idea pop in my head to type into Google search "how to forgive an abusive sibling" And it brought me here. Thank you for sharing this story. I feel miracles are already taking place. After I read this I gave it to God and asked to have my sensitive little "Jesus heart" restored in me, and after praying I noticed the time on my phone was 3:16. John 3:16 immediately came to mind. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." ❤

Sandeep Singh, I also believe with everything you mentioned. I was a victim of early childhood abuse and I'm angry and have some sort of trauma towards it. I was raised by a single parent mother whom divorced my father due to their relationship issues. I was moved over to Texas and lived in apartment rent with an older brother who's 7 years older than me. Around the ages of 7 or 10, I still visually remember fights between my older brother because he didn't get his way with me. It could be fights over little things such as who gets to use the TV, or when I try giving attitude when he gets in my personal space such as me even getting something from refrigerator whereas I'm deprived of that right. My brother waits for the right moment, such as whenever my mom was gone. Then my brother would grab me by my throat and drop me to the floor. He would also slam me against the wall, even threw me at the coach and made me take my clothes off as he tries spanking me with threats that he would throw me across the balcony upstairs. Threats to keep me from telling my mom what he did. If I tried, he would find some way to convince her it's not true and my mom wouldn't buy into it. That feeling and moment of helplessness. That's how I felt and as much as I wanted to do something back to him, I felt in my gut that I was weak and would only cause myself more harm because of how young and defenseless I was. He was the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. It's bad enough that with me grown in by blacks that they're punishment almost always involve psychial abuse such as the belt. Even around my elementary and by mid school it was like this and I felt like an outcast around every student. No one would want to talk to me at school because of how awkward and quiet I am. He even treated me like this with friends around him just because I refused to allow him to tell me what to do in a controlled manner, such as a time when I was playing my video game at the living room and when my mom left again he grabbed me by the throat around my teen ages. Even his friend witnessed and did nothing to stop him. The situation kept occurring as long as my parents did nothing about it. But after that incident, I learned that my brother stopped his ways only because my mom showed him a verse from the bible since she is a Christian. That still doesn't feel justified and I will never forget or remove remorse. I still carry grudge to this day about it and how I was defenseless to hit back or stop it like how you would stop a bully at school. It's funny how my brother never told me any of this but my mom did. My mom says she was treated abusive from his father. Ok, so how come you didn't believe your child or do something about it until now when I'm now when I'm in high school? As of now, I learned more about how my family members were narcissistic and to this day, my mom still favors my brother. It doesn't matter what I do or achieve, I'll never have the respect from my mom as opposed with my brother. My mom likes to call me selfish and how everything that's wrong in my life is because of me, that in the real world life is gonna teach me anything for being that way. How is that so when I have to even life in the same room as bunk beds with my older brother whom I hate? And what's funny is how he is out in California as I speak living his dream job. My mom acts as if it's wrong for me to think against that because of his hard work. He didn't work hard on that, it was just a trait from his abusive father himself, yet they get to talk cheap about my father whom I've never met yet he gets to. However, his father has even helped him out when he didn't have enough money to support himself with the high rent there. I'm now 21 years old, yet he still expects me to all of a sudden forgive him and start calling him like I'm still a kid while he's away to tell him my feelings about something? Hell no!! He may be my brother and I may have to repent for my sins and accept the sins he commit as well as fate that it's in the past and how I should move on, but I will not be best friends with him and act like it all never happened. We are like rivalries with two different souls, like water and fire. I was the calm and he's the aggressive, he's social and him introverted, etc. At first when I was in college after graduating high school he could care less about my education and instead rushed me by waking me up only because he had to go to his stupid job. Even worse, since we only had 1 car, he even had us rode with him while he drove my mom's car first to his job that's like 30 minutes away from my school first. After feeling unsupported, I dropped out of college after seeing my high school friend did, (whom also goes through the same family issues but worse) and I starting working at scrappy jobs like Walmart as a late night shift maintenance. My brother now has me working to help out my mom due to her disability from a brain surgery back in 2006, where she is has short term memory as a permanent effect. However, reasons I also stopped college was because of them using my financial aid money. I'm working full-time jobs that don't pay will. I fear I won't get independence from my life and my past childhood reflects that neglecting and hopelessness. My brother now tries to act like he gives me advice but he can't because he was spoiled all of his life from mom (golden child) and how he treated me back then (like a scapegoat) and even now. Telling me what I should be doing with my life or to go do something about it if life's boring. Well that's easy for you to say. At one point I thought he changed after he mentioned over the phone to my mom that he missed me around. But I realized he didn't miss me as a true brother would. He only missed having somebody to admire the fact that he's out living the dream and tries to act like some Oracle towards me. he'll never change his ways, because he still treats me the same. It's only different because I'm now an adult, but I still had other people even my closest friend take control of my life which reflects the violence I went through. The one thing I can at least do is keep my distance fully away from him. I don't have to call or talk to him like he's my friend just because now the only friend I had I no longer talk to. He says when my mom passes away that he thought of taking care of me, I would rather have taken care of my own life and that now has become a major goal in my life. People can look down and not agree with me but I honestly have no care for my family, especially my brother after what he did to me. I'm only taking care of my mom because I have to, but one of these days if I do have a better paying job and education, I can finally feel good and have high self-esteem knowing I did this. As well as knowing it's mines. Just like with jobs, my mom shouldn't be acting like my money I work hard for should be catered to her and her expenses as if she worked for it. But whatever, this is probably depression I'm feeling from my whole livelihood. My past have only taught me that I should defend and take care of myself when I can before anybody. I shouldn't have to let someone or something take control of my life and telling or forcing me into things against my right. I should've called the police myself when I was abused but I was afraid of the consequences. But it's not like I had a phone back then, the only I could've talked to other than my mom would've been the school. But regardless, this is something that's now 10 years in the past. But knowing this. It's gonna take more than just bible talk to get me to change.

Hi Rae, I am sorry but your comment has been removed because you need parental consent to post on this forum. Power to Change is concerned about the safety and privacy of all its users, particularly children. For this reason, Power To Change will not be able to help you with your request. We recommend that you talk to your parents or legal guardian about this situation. If that is not possible, then please contact a pastor or Christian counselor in your area. Passed by the U.S. Congress in November 1998, the Childrens Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) requires operators of online services or Web sites to obtain parental consent prior to the collection, use, disclosure, or display of the personal information of children 12 years of age or younger. Be assured that the prayer team at Power To Change will be praying for you. Helpful Resources: Get some counseling right now by contacting AACC for a referral to a Christian counselor near you at http://www.aacc.net or New Life at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or the nearest mental health agency.

dear juju , firstly you consult with your family and if they do not support you go for justice . in our society still we do not get full support when we need from our family . you need to convince your mom and live for yourself .. we are are not born to be ruled by others we are born to rule others and i hope your post will again come i won a victory over such a pain .. god bless you

ok

dear sir, firstly i would like to request you please seek attention towards providing equality to a girl because when we need support from family they are not infront of us . so please i would like to say we are not born to ruled by others . we need to rule the world ..

I agree with survivor girl. You need to get the child help. When I was young, my mother would hit me, I would hit my sister, and I found out recently she used to hit our cousin. Abuse is wrong and rolls down hill. Let God into your life, confess your sins, ask forgiveness and make amends. God will set you free.

Message to parents that let a sibling abuse younger siblings; besides getting them psychological help, if that doesn't work there comes a time the abuser needs to be jailed and not allowed to hurst others. If you are complicit and in denial of the harm being done you've just as bad and should be jailed too. Religion can't fix sexual abusers/batterers, dont make excuses n cover up crimes like the church either. Survivors are sick of that silencing crap. Nothing but justice is what is really needed and wanted.

Sandeep Singh and Christian Willis, it is surprising to me that you both having experienced childhood abuse and filled with the anger and resentment which will eat away at you and keep you in bondage, have not availed yourselves of the following prayer, which when said with a humble and contrite heart, will bring the freedom which you both inwardly desire. I pray that you do. Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Rebekah, Jonathan has given you some great advice. I pray that you would avail yourself of it. If you would like to chat one on one with a mentor, please click on the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. Someone will be happy to discuss with you whatever issues you choose, and it is entirely free and confidential.

Hi Rebekah, Have you talked to your parents about this? Or the police or a school counselor? Please do the longer you wait the worst is likely to come. Please don't let yourself be the victim please get help. I pray for you :)

Sandeep Singh, I beg to differ with you. The reason the article was written is not to "promote/convert to Christianity," but to bring those who read it to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. Within each one of us there is a deep desire to be reunited with our Creator. There is only one way by which Almighty God the Father has Divinely appointed for that to happen, and that is by accepting and receiving His "only begotten son" Jesus Christ, as your Lord and Savior. Go back and review the prayer. It is a prayer of having forgiveness of your sins, and being a partaker of eternal life. You too can be forgiven of your sins, and have eternal life by saying and meaning the prayer.

Hi Alora, Power To Change is concerned about the safety and privacy of all its users, particularly children. For this reason, Power To Change will not be able to help you with your request. We recommend that you talk to your parents or legal guardian about this situation. If that is not possible, then please contact a trusted teacher, pastor or Christian counselor in your area. Passed by the U.S. Congress in November 1998, the Childrens Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) requires operators of online services or Web sites to obtain parental consent prior to the collection, use, disclosure, or display of the personal information of children 12 years of age or younger. Be assured that the prayer team at Power To Change will be praying for you. Helpful Resources: Get some counseling right now by contacting AACC for a referral to a Christian counselor near you at http://www.aacc.net or New Life at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or the nearest mental health agency.

Alora, how does he hurt you?

Don't mind of there are grammatical mistakes, can't edit the comments.

And doing good on others doesn't mean taking a beating from others. You have to be in a position to be able to do good. If you are controlled by others like that, you will only do bad to yourself and others. I would love to know if there is a verse in Bible that motivates to get free from slavery and getting control of your life, so that you can do good and bad as per your understanding, and not because you were guilt tripped in doing so.

Dear Aldo, I meant defence, not violence. And I believe this story above is being used on the helpless and afflicted to promote/convert to Christianity. And for the record Gandhi was a racist and a playboy himself. Defending yourself against an attacker isn't a crime in any law. That said, I didn't mean all of the abused should immediately respond with beating their elders. They should rather separate themselves, gain control of their own lives, then take up gym or martial arts classes so that they can defend. And also some counseling to heal their disturbed or shattered psyche. And people must study more about narcissistic personality disorder. Most of them a users are sadistic narcissists who just get pleasure out of beating, guilt tripping, mentally and psychologically harming and in the end discarding their victims by either planning jail or assylum for them. They can be your husband, wife, father, brother, sister etc. Someone from your close relatives. Probably who you live with. Narcissism is a real problem in today's world. We must deal with it with sufficient research and analysing the situation carefully and taking appropriate and necessary steps. Your life is meant to be in your control. That's the purpose you were born for. Not to be controlled by others.

Sandeep Singh, I am surprised that you who come from the same country as Gandhi, would suggest violence as a counter measure. Jesus says in Matthew 5:44-45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven." I believe that Gandhi followed Jesus' statement regarding non-violence.

If you're getting unnecessary beating, It only means you gotta learn to give them necessary beating.

Simply put, you haven't learnt the lesson of life if you are still confused as to what is right for you and why you are still tolerating the [expletive removed] it given to you. Sometimes our so called family members become like outsiders who will treat you like outcaste just under pretext of reminding that life is harsh. But they remain that way with you no matter what you do or achieve. So the conclusion is, there is no single reason to treat you harshly almost every day of the month other than just pleasure being derived from your pain, low self esteem, etc. One suggestion from heart, do not let physical pain do psychological damage. Do not let the scumbags reach to the point of mental and emotional harrassment. And always remember, you came to this world to rule, not to be ruled by others. So rule your own life.

Jonathan well spoken to Abear Julu.....We can only do what we can do, and in the end prayer is our only option.

Dear abear juju, Im very sorry for all the suffering you had to go through by your so called family. First, I would recommend you to try to organize a meeting with them, in a public area, but at the same time a place where the each of you and speak your heart out without interruption, if you haven't done it already If they still refuse to listen, make sure to record everything they say and store messages and emails to be handed over to the police. Your mother can't lie her way out if you have documented evidence. There is no need to put yourself in a position where they can continually hurt you. In the end, I implore you to not give up on them. Please oray for them that they would see the light of Jesus Christ. I pray that you will be able to live life to the fullest for His glory. God bless you juju :)

just call 911 on him,dont look at your mom as she can help you ,you have tried her already just move out,get a job ,menatlly ill,is an answer to each hate they have ,I have also bad brother who get me fired becuase he is mental and also his mother always proud of fact that she fabric lots of sick stories to get me fired to redo that over and over,so i complained but he is like out of control,i moved out but yet his mother push him to keep watch me and bring me down when ever i get a job,but he taught me that he get people fired by keep talking to their employers and complain,try this on your brother,email cops they may talk to him,my brother nothing works on him,he got trashy water fall mouth where he is not shy from any lie,so i look as bad as horrible while he doesnt slow down,years of this and he just doesnt feel or change its like un avoidable hate.my mother always lies and win people hearts with her sad tears and she is old like wizard !!my mum got me mental medicine in my food becauase she couldnt stand that i go to college and i drive,she want me home,and yet she want to be with her husband and she didnt want me be third wheel,while her son went like nuts to bring me down just to be by her side ,while she want quiet time with her husband,so from top person in the class to barely carry my head from the heavy mental medicine she put in my drinks and food,she worked hard to get me divorce believing that child support make her too rich,then she hated having me around so its like living with holly woman who look at me as how to silent me with that medicine,i realized she wanted time for her husband and left her but that was not good enough for her,she is country who is mental and her children look at her as she is god .its like three ugly black heart people i had to suffer for long years brother,mother,father,

So lets skip right to bad parts i am typing this with my 50$ smart phone because one day my brother got mad and broke my 500$ ipad we cant afford anew one cuz his treatments costed almost all our savings and you guys might think its just an ipad but no well you see my brother got whatever he wanted when he was little and i got to watch so when i got the ipad it was like a miracle gift i have somthing to play with but when he broke it i have nothing to do because i am handcapped from him abusing me my back and legs are brocken and im only 13 and my mom jeeps saying its because im growing so i dont tell anyone about this i am now locked for safty in my room he wants to hit me right now

I am sorry to say I cannot be with the only one I ever loved. just because I failed to get myself free from a parasitic sibling who I thought to be indirectly and cleverly blocking my life path / goal. That person has married someone else. And I am done with myself. I warn you, do not do sexual or private things with your siblings for fun and never ever allow them to do anything sick with you. It will only make them confident to torment you for the rest of your life. And I agree with Sandeep here, that such elder siblings are total losers and that's why they need to do such a thing with their OWN siblings so that they can remind themselves that they are at least better than you, so they scar you for life make your self esteem low, hide your talents and qualities and rather highlight your mistakes and make you more dark in front of others. They may make you feel useless, yet they are useless themselves on certain levels. SO forbid yourself to run your lives according to others

Qualities are something that prevent you from being violent/intimidating.

To add, The abusive sibling acts violently only to remind himself/herself that he/she is not [expletive removed] (because that's what he/she is actually is) and they need you as a reminder. Once you develop yourself and your career and your path and be independent and separate from that parasitic person, he/she will eventually realize what they had lost. and also try to see the hidden qualities of that person so that you may one day remind that person that he/she was unnecessarily violent. But do that only when they're genuinely regretful and at a heavy loss. Otherwise you don't need them and they don't need you.

Hello everyone, I think the key to avoid such an abusive relationship especially with a sibling, is how you act in front of that sibling. No matter what has happened with you anywhere, you don;t deserve to be treated badly by anyone in your house on a daily basis. Do not let anyone know your weak or vulnerable side except your trustful parent. Suicide is not the solution... Killing yourself because of others is not going to do good to anyone including you. Its gonna put everyone in your house, even the one very kind to you in danger and in custody. because ultimately your closest ones couldn't prevent you from being abused. Standing up for others is what counts so that others stand up for you. Lastly, talking about my own experience, its true I cannot love him, but I don't have to hate him. He's an opportunist scummbag, so I must always find opportunity to learn from it. So learn from your pain and sufferings, what mistakes you did on your part and how you came to allow others to take control of you as a part of guilty complex, that was truly unfair and deceitful on others' part. If your sibling calls you names, then think of a name that fits him/her appropriately. Example "PARASITE". You don't have to say it out aloud, but always remember what he actually is, accept it as a fact. Do not mean the title negatively or with anger, as it will only put more negativity inside you. Instead think pitifully and as a matter of fact. That with sooth you. Learn to deal with your own problems effectively and efficiently so that you do not have to depend on others at any level. Do not discuss with the abusive sibling about your problems. Especially in the case of Mr. Saad here. I am so sorry to hear your case is so severe at such an age you are still facing and not free from that crap of a brother you have. You have to accept your mistake that has made you stuck in such a situation. Pray to God, ask for help and quickly execute anything that is useful in repairing your relationship or getting out of that torture chamber/negative area. Regards, Sandeep

Dear Sam and Rain, I'm so glad you found this site and this article and have a place where you can know that you are not alone and that's it's not only ok to stand up for yourself, but also the healthy thing to do. Anytime we are in an abusive relationship we need to know that first of all we aren't 'causing' the abuse and that it is the fault of the abuser. In your case Rain, the fact that your brother is trying to make you feel guilty for not forgiving him proves that he hasn't really taken responsibility for his past actions. Forgiveness does not mean that we forget what has been done to us nor that we automatically trust that individual. Trust is earned and must be built.

You need to REMOVE yourself from harms way. Have NO CONTACT AT ALL with people that treat You bad or disrespectfully. Think about moving starting fresh and surround yourself with people you choose wisely that will respect you - BE WISE, BE STRONG!!!! Getting a pet is great esp a trained dog to protect you. Get out of town! Never stand for ANYONE BULLYING YOU!!! Make changes, at first it will seem impossible, with time you will Wonder way you hadn't made the changes. Put all the disgusting past in the past! DO NOT CONSIDER PEOPLE(IN THESES CASES MONSTERS) THAT DO NOT HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR YOU!!!!! WAKE UP, GET STRONG AND GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY FROM ABUSIVE TRASH PEOPLE! I have done it. I Lived through tremendous abuse and have been physical impaired. I should have stopped contact a long time ago!! My life is great now, I have chosen a great mate and enjoy life. Yes, that so called brother (moron) inflicted long term physical damage And I try each time when those bad feelings come to condition myself to think otherwise get involved with new projects, learning, traveling Whatever makes you happy, do it. Think about yourself. It took me a long long time to do that. GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT!

Dear Sam, I would encourage you to do what Rain says, but at the same time, please pray for him. The beauty of Jesus Christ is that He bore our sins, He bore our punishment when it was suppose to be us, and so our old self is crucified with Him, and we are resurrected with Him into new life. That is the beauty of the gospel. God bless you :)

Dear Sam, I can relate on the level that my Mother refuses to stand up for me but apologizes and say's " I hope you can forgive me " but everytime she has the chance to make it right, she doesn't. Now she has mild cognitive dementia so her memory isn't what it was. I just have to accept the fact that she could not truly face what he did or she could not love him the same anymore. She has always managed to cope with bad things by pretending things are normal. I believe that's called denial. Now in your case, I am baffled. How could she stand up for you but then turn around and allow him back into your life, especially with her not living there!!!!!! You have to take control now because she won't. Here is what to do. You have I believe 6 to 8 years, ( look up your State law on abuse ) to report him after you turn 18 and even file a lawsuit against him. Get it on record or you have nothing. File a restraining order against him, and get him away from you and your younger brother for good. I unfortunately did not know my rights when I was young so I missed my window. I am almost 50 now and STILL dealing with the nightmare of my brother and my Mom being too spineless to defend me. Take the power in your hands, there must be abuse help groups in your local area that can assist you. It may be a gut wrenching process but at least you won't feel helpless anymore and at his mercy. Forget your Mom doing the right thing, do it for you before it's too late.

My brother is abusive as well. Not to the extent as yours was but he has an occasion whipped my siblings with dog chains, etc. My mother kicked him out of the house numerous times, he even choked her one time on the way out, but she always let him back in. He is now 28 and I am 23. Last month, my mother apologized to me for letting him get away with being so abusive towards me for so long. Two weeks ago, she let him move back in. She does not live at the house anymore so it's just me and my little brother having to deal with him. I do not talk to him or invite any kind of relation. Last night he all of sudden got physical with me and again so i locked him outside. I broke the door down and I called the police. The police said there is nothing they can do. I hate him. I am not religious. Nor is he. I feel I will die with this hate.

Dear Rain, if that is the case, then you should tell his church about his behavior, there is no excuse. And please pray for him. I hope, one day, he will come to his senses. God bless :)

Thank you Johnathan, Unfortunately, he is just wired wrong I have come to believe. He thinks in his head he has tried to ask my forgiveness and the only half assed attempt he made, he said his peace and when I tried to say mine, he cut me off and said, "We just need to stop hating each other." How could he hate me when I had done no wrong to him? Today, he tried minimalizing what he did to my Mom and I can tell he has made it all in his head that it was not his fault, not intentionally doing it, claimed he only did it for a short time, etc. This is how he has chosen to deal with it in his mind. How do you convince crazy? He still will not accept the blame and chalks it up to unintentional. Now he tells me I am the sinner and we are even because he won't forgive me for mot allowing him on the property to visit my Mom. Ugh, it's just so ugly, to this day, I am still tormented. I went through YEARS of therapy myself trying to take down the invisible wall I created so long ago that affects my marriage to this very day. I have no idea how to dismantle that wall as it has become an integrated part of me. When I see him, my stomach goes into knots, I get shakey and cannot think clearly as that scared little girl is still inside me.

Dear Rain, I would advise you to at least to agree to at least talk in a public place during daylight. Find out if he is really sincere. Also, if he is really sincere he will prove it. He must be willing to admit his mistakes and show through his actions that he really has repented. His actions must prove his words are true. If he really proves that he is sincere, be cautious, open up to him, but slowly, do not be alone with him at any moment. Ask him to go to a therapist to assess his condition. However, if he gets self righteous then then you can get a restraining order against him. And you should tell his church as well anot his behavior. Also, I should add this, Christians can't forgive, not by themselves. The Holy Spirit gives us the strength to forgive and live our enemies, even going as far as dying for them. If you can't forgive him, then give it time, pray to God to give you the strength to forgive him. God bless Rain, I pray for you :)

Hello everyone, Another struggling (abused as a child) adult here. It was my brother and I was the youngest (the only girl) of four siblings. My brother started this when I was about 7, he was 12. He would forcibly make me drink hard alcohol first, if he left the room for a second, I would run and pour most of it down the sink and tell him I drank it all. Then he would tell me he was going to hypnotise me so what was about to happen wasn't REAL. This happened a multitude of times and I was terrified of him. I felt such shame as I knew it was REALLY happening, like some kid would know hypnosis! Finally, after this kept happening, I was staying at a friends house overnight and burst into tears. She asked me what was wrong so I told her. She told me I HAD to tell my Mother, my Father had left when I was 2 forcing my Mom back to working fulltime to support us. I told her I was afraid but she kept saying you MUST tell her and ahe would even go with me for support. What a mistake! She was with me as I told my Mom and my brother screamed "She's lying Mom!" My mother just could not process or believe what I was telling her and worse, in front of my friend!!!! The subject was quickly dismissed and never to be brought up again until much later. This of course meant the abuse continued. It was not just sexual, it was him tearing me down verbally, beating me up if he felt I deserved it so I learned to just stay quiet because if I ever told my other brothers, they would let him have it and ultimately, when we were alone again, I would get beaten again. It became my method of survival staying quiet and slowly, unconsciously, began building my invisible inner wall of protection around my heart. Had I reported the sexual abuse to my other brothers or God forbid, my Father who lived a short distance away (also a former Marine) he would have beaten my brother within an inch of his life and there again, I would have paid mightily the moment we were alone together which of course, was inevitable. So, I walked in silence, did poorly in school, had terrible self esteem issues, acted out by being rebellious, eventually getting into the party crowd and doing drugs and drinking always chasing an escape from my reality. The blessing was I never turned into a drug addict or alcoholic, just temporary escapism. I did not care whether I lived or died, I had no value to myself. Then there was the day I finally confronted him at 21. He was a manipulative, selfish jerk his whole life and I had finally had it with him. I told him I hated him and why. First silence. Next, denial. Then he actually tried that hypnosis nonsense on me and basically said, "That's how you wanted it." I started shaking in disbelief he would blame me!!! I called my Mother again, reaching out for help, begging her to help, telling her what had just transpired and she assured me she would take care of it. The next morning, Mom and I were discussing this and she announced that if we (my brother and I) could not work this out, we could both move out of the house. I was shattered! Again, I was on my own and I would have rather slept in the back of my car than spend one more night under the same roof with him. Not knowing what to do next, I appealled to my current boyfriends landlord that had an extra room in his house. I told him my story with tears streaming down my face and he took pity on me and allowed me to stay there. I had nowhere else to turn. Shortly thereafter, my Mom called to tell me my Father had passed away. I knew that was coming as he had cancer but I refused to go to the funeral since I knew my brother would be there. Nobody knew why I didn't attend. There is so much more to tell but it would end up becoming a novel. Cut to today. Here I am, living on a property with my Mom who has dementia, not really bad yet but it will eventually get there. When I noticed she was slipping mentally and physically, I asked her what she wanted to do since she was not safe living by herself, driving, going upstairs by herself. She said she wanted to find a place where she could live next to my husband and I. I did not think I could find such a place but I managed to find the perfect set up. Sold her house, got new house, now I am caregiver. I even switched careers to learn how to professionally care for her in her further decline. I knew getting a place together would mean the monster would have access into my life again but I figured, it's her son, I can't stop him from visiting her. So, I turned the other cheek until I found out everytime he was here, he was extorting money out of her for one reason or another. She never could say "No" to him so I finally had enough and told him he was no longer welcome on the property. His reaction caught me off guard, he said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" Wow! I would have hoped he would have made a bigger gripe about spending time with her, not her money! Now he is texting me telling me he has found God and goes to church and went to confession, and begs me to forgive him and say's, if I don't, I won't make it into Heaven. Another manipulation now using God and my soul as his weapons. There again, my Mother, what do I say to him? She still has no idea how to defend me and stand up for me to him. Iam the victim but I am still being blamed for not just staying quiet and allowing him to selfishly take advantage of her now that she is not mentally capable. He is a piece of work. He tried to minimize what he did to me, not take any responsibility by saying, he has no idea why he did what he did and did not INTENTIONALLY do it!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!? Everything he did was carefully planned out and now he takes no responsibility and telling me I am the sinner not allowing him to comeon the property to visit Mom. I never said he could not see her, I just requested she meet him outside the gate. But now that he lied to her and minimized what he did, I told him I would go and file a restraining order on him putting on public record what he has done. Now, I am to blame once again. How does one forgive that?

Eric, make a plan for your life. Study hard and ask a teacher you trust to help you get a scholarship to a college far from home. Work hard and do not look back. Someone close to me went through something similar and he now has a great job and loving family, but he had to stay away from his toxic family for that to happen. If college isn't for you then go and learn a well-paying trade. Praying to Jesus isn't enough, we have to help ourselves. And any parents reading this: wake the hell up! If you have an abusive child you are protecting a criminal.I had to warn my brother that I would kill him if he ever touched me again for him to leave me alone. But even as an adult, he still tries to hurt me every chance he gets. Does his damage behind my back, telling our senile father I don't love him, like the coward he truly is. The man is a sociopath, can put on the 'George Clooney' charm when anyone of authority is around, but is a snake when you dare not put up with his abuse. Jesus said 'forgive', not 'forget'. The only way to survive is to get yourself as far away from your abuser as possible if the Police, Abuse Help Lines or Family Services can't help you. And with all due respect Aldo: if I had stuck to praying to God, I'd have been killed before my 17th birthday, and my brother would have made it look like an 'accident'. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand: either challenge the bully and/or make a plan to get out of the situation. The Lord helps those who help themselves!