Im a middle-aged single man that feels very lonely. There are no women for me to meet
JW
James Wesley
1 year ago
All churches approach these issues differently; I don't like making sweeping blanket statements about how "the Church" fails singles.
That being said, it's easy to feel ignored as a single churchgoer. My church doesn't have a "singles" ministry. We occasionally have "marriage conferences" and such things, but the last time I went to a church event there that dealt with singleness or dating it was when I was young enough for the sneior high ministry over a decade ago. Also, my church goes through entire books verse-by-verse. Since the Bible doesn't have all that much to say about singleness, the subject barely ever comes up. Likewise, the pastor is married, as are most of the church elders and staff, and most of the churchgoers. My church bookstore included precisly zero books about singleness or dating, but quite a few about marriage, until I suggested some. At my church, it's taken as gospel that God provides spouses to His followers, or that all you have to do is "wait on the Lord," etc., etc. Other than that, it's barely addressed.
I love my church, and I don't want to jump on the church-criticism bandwagon, but you sure can feel invisible as a single adult there.
I totally get you! Some time ago, in 2005 to be exact, I had moved to a new city, and sought out a church. I chose a nondenominational Christian community church. I joined a single adults prayer group, and attended church every Sunday, but after awhile I just got depressed over the entire environment. It was a place that attached a stigma to uncoupled people who don't have children.
I felt like THEY couldn't GET me!
The singles group seemed like a place where we were supposed to find a mate and attach to someone as soon as possible, as though a person was not whole unless coupled.
Treated as though you are flawed, not quite complete, lacking, and the assumption was that you were a misfit...at least that's how I was treated.
Most other events & get together at this church were all "family" events, and having no spouse or children made me a poor fit. They don't know how to "be" with you, what to say to you, and can't seem to relate at all.
In short, I was lovelier at church than I was away from church.
MS
Mark Sadarose
3 years ago
This is also for middle aged single men.. I am 50's never married, live alone, no children attending a small (150 members) Baptist church. I sit on a church board and work around the church. I am a "Matt Walsh" type introvert, that is an Introvert, but am able to socially interact.
What I find is church can sometimes feel great for getting out of the house and being "among" my Christiaan brothers/sister.. but other times it can be incredibly lonely and I feel as if I only exist "among" my Christian family but not an actual part nor ever will be. Being an introvert I am highly sensitive to reading the energy of a room/people and I notice a small Christian Family church is built around Families.. (wife-husband-kids) Being single can often feel like I am the third wheel. I often feel Shunned. No one comes up out of their way to interact with me other than an occasional Hi-Bye as they make their way over to one of the families to laugh and share stories about their family antics. From there it also gets broken down into who can compete to have the most projecting Extrovert (picture BIG OVERT gestures and stories).. which just further alienates me.
I will often try to slide myself into a group conversational or find another single Brother but there are almost none! and they usually bolt after service. There is nothing more comically pathetically awkward than a single middle aged Guy trying to ease in on a group conversation between families... But I still try, I feel it's less awkward than just standing alone while everyone is talkin in groups. At least in theory. Ironically, I think I would often had been better just standing alone. I find it ironic that with all the social interacting Church goers partake in, I find the Non-secular social events.. that people are usually much more engaging and approachable.
I don't fault anyone. I understand it's just human nature and they can't help they are families any more than I can help that Im Single. But the results are the same. I think one of the saddest things is when I had some interesting personal things happen in the week id love to share.. maybe some great funny stories. But I never get a chance to share them because everyone is in their own group in their own discussion with no room or interest to engage me. If anything, this has taught me empathy to always ask OTHERs how their week is going and what's new in their lives.
Solution? I have been going for 3+ years and haven't found one. The bible says not to forsake the gathering so I try to make it first foremost about honoring God.. and getting to serve and worship my Heavenly Father.. which above all else fuels me.
I can so relate to this! I'm 25 and live in a small college town. I go to the college ministry activities, but I'm 4-5 years older than the college kids, and in a different stage of life than them. The other class options are married couples or senior adults. It would be really nice if there was a young professionals class - for those in med/law/grad school or who just graduated and entered the work force. It's awkward to go to the young marrieds and be the only one by yourself around all the couples!
I thought I had finally found a church I wanted to call my own n. Everyone was so welcoming, the church sermons snd Sunday school class were great. Including my grand children's class. We all felt so welcomed. I attend with my grandchildren. Though I am happily married, my husband and children do not attend with me only the grandchildren.
Though the church was very friendly and welcoming thats where it ended. I thought maybe if i joined the church and made more effort get out of my shell that it would change. So after several years i finally joined the church. In addition to attending Sunday school and church I volunteered in the nursery, joined the women's group and participated in many of their activities including Wednesday night classes. I made it point to memorize their names so that when I would see them i could say hi and include their name when doing so weather i was at church or a store.
As time went on I realized I still felt lonely, after every thing I was still unable to make one friend. Sure plenty of friendly acquaintances but unfortunately not one friend. The clicks were already established long before I got there and are impenetrable unless of course you have an award winning personality. Recently our pastor mentioned in one of his sermons that it has been brought to his attention on a few occasions about this but seem to lay blame on the ones complaining, suggesting they should make more effort. (No i was not any of the ones who complained. )
I wasent looking for a best friend nor was i wanting to be MS Popular , just hoping for a Christian friend to talk to, maybe an occasional coffee or lunch or movie.
I am truly heartbroken and just plain tired of trying that I just stopped attending. My faith in God has not stopped nor has my studying His word. I just can't imagine continuing attending a church for many years while feeling lonely and excluded.
Whats even worse is when you do reach out and they are already in a clique. I decided to sit different places each Sunday so if I see someone alone or I don't know, I would speak to them and make them feel welcome. The loneliest place I'd church but only because of the people so I go to learn and grow and wait for God to show me whose lonely or alone
MD
Methodist Dude
3 years ago
Traditional Churches yes service may seem boring to some ( not to me thou)and hymns and praises are 200-300 years old if not plus the message is golden and biblical the fellowship is generally genuine and it maybe old school their services are with liturgies and prayers.
The Church be a source of spiritual growth if we look for thus type of growth thou others we changest not wanting it externally finding it means of others approval not the same as having something priceless internally.
Megachurches put emphasis on programmes families and attires for it's growth massively with very little actual insight on welfare of the actual members
Small Churches can't afford to do this because they need the numbers and they genuine have time to care like a phone call coffee over Starbucks or genuine fellowship in person is imperial.
Honestly, I would just quit church altogether if it weren't for the fact that my adult son (who lives at home while in college) is really connected and enjoys going....yeah, still trying to be a good Christian role model here I guess. It's just that I am so lonely, and going to church only makes it worse. I'm divorced and have no real friends. My son lives at home but he has his own life, and I don't want to be the mother that clings to her kid for company! It's like after my husband left I just got "forgotten". I see people laughing and making plans for lunch, but I am never invited. I stopped asking to be invited after a while because you can only say "so y'all want to go get some lunch?" and have them say "maybe next time, we already made plans with...." so many times before it just becomes pathetic to even ask. We've been at this church for almost 12 years, and I have always thought of them as family. Back when I was married, we often went out with other couples after church for lunch. Now it feels like I don't even exist to them. They say to my face that they understand and appreciate me, but I'm still sitting alone and leaving alone. During the week I do okay. I go to work and just get through the day, and it doesn't hurt too badly. Then Saturday night comes and I start getting a stomach ache. If I just don't show up, I get a text message asking why I am not there, but it's more about guilt than actually caring that I am absent. I get the "you need to stay right with God" message. I actually once did say "I feel lonely there because I'm not connecting with anyone". The response from the church leader was that "church is about worshipping God, not about people.". Really??!
"None of us can love God well on our own"
Have you read any of the lives of the Saints like St. Anthony of the desert or Saint Paul of Thebes who lived alone in the desert before St.Anthony did the same?
These hermits lived in the first centuries of Christianity, so can hardly be claimed by any "denomination". And as far as the different branches of The Church in those early years goes; they are considered Saints by all.
I'm not saying that people need to go live in a cave. But to say that Jesus Christ cannot make Himself known and be present to someone unless others are around is simply untrue.
Christ has a plan for each of us and He stands at the door of everyone's soul and "knocks".
We all answer in different ways based on our circumstances and personal disposition. He will heal what's disordered and support us where we're broken regardless of what anyone else does or says.
If He wants to be present through other people He will be. If He
wants to draw close to you in solitude, He will.
We need but have Faith and pray that His Will be done in our lives, while prayerfully discerning where The Holy Spirit leads.
This is done while always striving to remain within the bounds of His commandments and repenting as
soon as we realize we've strayed. (If we belong to a Sacramental Church then we should access the Sacraments as we're directed to).
These are very difficult times and anyone who truly wants to follow Christ will have much to bear from the world.
So I think it's best that those who call themselves Christian not add to the weight of anyone's burden by telling them how Jesus will be made present in their lives.
Lean on Christ and speak to Him. He will lead you to where you need to be.
DC
Dawn Capra-Grace
4 years ago
I have read through many of these comments and your condescending response to each of them. I am not painting myself as a victim as you mention in one of your clever responses below, I am tired of being the one who does all of the things you suggest repeatedly and with zero return. I will not return to a physical group that calls itself a church for the many reasons that the others have written about in this thread. Your responses confirm the very thing that everyone is stating here. The church is full of condescending holier than thou hypocrites who refuse to change. If we dont measure up to your expectations and spew toxic positivity everywhere then we are not part of the club. If I hear one more "christian" repeat how we are all just sinners who fail and need to do better and then tell the person who has been left out to try harder I will rip my hair out. The church is a very toxic place and does not reflect our Messiah at all.
I've felt like a lone wolf after going to a legalistic church, but then to another church that seemed more for people with children, or college, or whatever I'm not. I'm married, no kids, and I usually feel socially anxious at the thought of a ladies night out... I have tried a women's bible study but, I just don't feel like I have much to talk about besides chapter 3 of some Lifeway workbook. I like gaming, reading, I'm a friendly introvert but more Facebook with people I wish happy birthday to or keeping in touch with my family. It just, to me, feels like "okay, I'll just play Zelda this weekend 😄👍"
I feel like there's just a lot of tight circles and cliques at churches these days. Maybe because I don't have children to brag/vent about. Well anyway, back to my bible art journal pinning.
LM
laura metcalf
6 years ago
I have the same lack of family inside and outside of church. Despite everyone at church knowing how completely isolated I am, no one has ever invited me anywhere. Yet this happens at all the churches I've attended over the years. Church is groups of families that come and go and keep to themselves. They all, pastors on down, expect you to have a support network outside of church to help you. I don't. I don't need to add more people or join a club as everyone tells me to do. I need a few relationships I already have to be meaningful and real. I need deeper not to increase the volume of acquaintances.
RB
Rachelle Bradley
5 years ago
I kind of get it. I used to go to church regularly. But things have happened in my family, with my husband, and so on. I wanted it to feel like a family. But it doesnt feel like that to me right now, maybe I'm wrong. But the things I have seen in my own family and have experienced there. It's been a bit hard. I dont feel like I can fully trust hardly anyone, and I dont want to be vulnerable in front of them. Maybe I'm too weird, maybe I'm not southern enough, and tbh they arent bad people. If I'm there people arent mean to me. But.. its complicated. There are things I cant say, because itd probably be wrong to put peoples business out there.. but its complicated now. I can just love God from home and help only if someone needs me too. People can still talk to me or ask me to pray for them. But I cant put myself out there right now.
Hi HH,
I am sorry that my comment came across like I was saying Laura has to earn her spot in the church. None of us earn our part in the church, but each is brought there by Jesus.
I agree that the people within churches are not perfect and can often do damage to others they are called to love. The solution that I see presented in the writings of the biblical documents is to forgive and love. When asked how many times should we forgive those who hurt us, Jesus answered, "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22 some translations interpret Him to have said "seventy seven times") When my response to offense is to love I reflect the character of Jesus and help my brothers and sisters to see Him.
GW
Grace Wright
6 years ago
I have been going through this struggle for years now. I used to be very involved in a church, however life's circumstances changed all that. I now struggle with a chronic illness, children with special needs, and am now a single parent. I feel so disconnected from my church, I only manage to make it out every so often, and when I get home I just cry, as I used to do so much and feel part of it all and now I'm invisible. I have tried to reach out and explain my situation, but no-one is reaching out to help me, except one friend I had before I joined the church (who also goes to the church) This is the 3rd church I have tried, i think they are all the same - they don't reach out to those who are struggling with health issues/ other difficulties, unless you are in the 'cliches' - then you get tons of support. I have broke my heart over this for a long time. If I was in a position myself to meet the need and change things I would, but I can't. I am now trying to accept that church isn't for me or my children right now, try to educate at home, and try to meet up with christian friends instead, helping others where I can. i feel like that is 'my' church. Why should I keep trying to go when it triggers my illness, gives me more emotions to untangle, and upsets me so much? I feel much more benefit spending my own time with God. I do wish my children could get to church more though. It's all very hard.
JB
Joseph Burchardt
6 years ago
Honestly, I quit attending church this year, I’m single, attending this church since i a kid. I was an usher for several years, and even on the security team our church put together for a time. I had to quit, because I got burned out. After that, I kind of felt like an outsider, even though I’d been going to that church since I was 12. The people just.......felt so fake. Like because I quit being an usher security, they wanted nothing to do with me. I tried going to another church a few times, but even then it didn’t feel right, the churches I’ve even to since.....everyone has their own little clique and they don’t really try to make new people feel welcome.
That is really too bad. I suppose that your church has identified the focus for her ministry and the pastor is trying to keep that focus.
So how many people would you say fit into single, widowed, divorced, or childless couple category at your church? In what ways do you reach out to those and connect together? As I said before, it does not have to be an official program of the church but could be an organic community of people looking for a place to connect with others and with God.
TH
Tracy Hebert
6 years ago
This is beautifully written and stated, Claire. I am a working mom and this year our church had a group for working wives and moms -- at 9 am Mondays? Society is hard on childless women, I cannot imagine what it feels like to feel the same way at your church home. Your writing is so beautiful and honest. Thank you for sharing,
I think it is probably a good idea to find another church, but I know it is hard when you have so much history in a particular church family.
I suppose the other option is to create your own activities for the demographic you see being left out of your church. It doesn't have to be an official part of the church, but if you begin inviting others that you see are being left out to gatherings at your place maybe that will turn into something that the rest of the church would see as valuable.
I thought I was alone in my feelings of isolation at my church. Being a frequent soloist in our music ministry, I am "known" to most of the church, yet I do not feel I fit in anywhere. I have not attended Sunday School in over 25 years (there is no class for a 57 year old, never married female). The sad thing is, no one seems to have even noticed that I am not involved in SS. There are classes for widows, a class for divorced/single mothers, but everything else revolves around couples of varying ages. Though no one vocalizes it, it is apparent the women are threatened by the thought of single females in the class. So, I sit alone and usually leave feeling worse than when I came; frequently crying on the drive home. The isolation and loneliness is overwhelming.
I know exactly what you mean. There was nothing at church to meet the needs of single parents like me. I too missed out on the weekday ladies' Bible study because I was at work. My daughter was never able to attend Vacation Bible School because it was held in the morning. I couldn't join a missions "circle" because they all met during working hours. Everything was family this and family that. But weren't my daughter and I a family too? I did try to make the leadership aware of the need for activities tailored for working women and single parents. Their response was "No one else has ever complained" and "If it isn't broken, don't fix it."
Ok, so what's the way forward? How can we actually love our church when we don't feel connected deeply to anyone? What are your thoughts, anyone?
I'm an older single adult (I've never married and I don't have kids) who's struggled to fit in, whether they're small groups, fellowships, or even among the church congregation. I've tried all kinds of groups, but have always felt left out or like I don't fit in with the others). I've attended churches all my life, and wherever I go, it's always the same. At my current church, where I also work, there are several groups for young adults (who are working/career), young married couples/families, older married couples/families, and the seniors. But I'm isolated b/c I'm not as young as the young adults, and I can't fit in with the other groups. And there aren't any others like me, so I tend to be ignored/left out of activities. No one ever greets me or talks to me each week, but they all talk with each other and no one else is left out like I am (that I can see, anyway). I've never had any friends at church, though I've tried many times to reach out to and connect with others, but they've all declined my efforts. I'm considering leaving my church and position, and listening to sermons on radio, even though I know I need to be in fellowship with others, but there isn't one for me that I can fit into and be comfortable with. I've asked for advice from pastors, prayed about the situation for years, but nothing ever changes. I'm sick and tired of being ignored and left out and rejected by the people who are supposed to be there for me and care for me and love me unconditionally, like Christ loves us. I can't take much more of this.
LM
laura metcalf
7 years ago
I am alone both in and out of the church. I have no blood family. I go to a church full of families that caters to families. A family of families which I am not a part of and never will be. I find it disheartening because all churches are like that. And I spend every holiday alone or get a poverty invite on occasion but that's rare. I find that God has been preparing me to serve him for years but I'm not given any credibility nor am I taken seriously. Pastors want perfect looking family members serving, not single women, so I sit on the outside. My church actually had a visiting prophet speak over me in the spring, speaking about all that I can do for God in the church like how much he will use me to touch the youth etc. Such a positive message about how God wants to use me to love and help others. The pastor ignored it like it was 'fake news.' Oh I can come and be reminded that I don't belong, or I can stay home and feel actually better because I'm not being reminded how much I am not looked at with appreciation but with patronization.
NOt single, but married, older, and childless. I also have to work for a living, and have faced a lot of these same prejudices in church. My local church has a lot of retirees, with grown kids, so I do feel alone. I don't host big holiday dinners for the family in my tiny apartment. I can't come to the knitting group because I work -- because I need to put gas in my car and pay rent and buy groceries. Church people just have no concept of anything outside of their own little way of life. Do they even know people different from themselves exist?
I am a single mother, don't really fit in with the married parents, don't really fit in with the singles. My church actually has a great outreach to the singles in our church. I don't really fit in there though, they all just had an event together and I wasn't invited to go along. I don't fit in either group and I am the only single mother in the entire church. My father is one of the pastors and I am very involved and do a lot there but I still feel lonely. There really is no place for me, I don't get invited to married couples houses because it would be awkward, I don't go along with the singles much because I have my child to look after and am not always invited. I sit alone at church with my daughter and the one time I tried to sit with someone else they were offended that I "took their row" and moved to a different row. I totally hate the social gatherings because it's always the same, the same people always sit together. It's sad to be in a church but feel lonely, shouldn't that be an oxymoron?
I am not single. My family and I never feel like we are a part of the church. We too attend for the eucharist. I don't like the social club atmosphere when we are supposed to be focusing on God. I don't know who the women or men are that can attend Bible Study on a weekday morning either. There is no spiritual formation outreach at all. I would be interested in meeting and studying/praying with other church members, but it always seems to be silly social club type things. I just can't do it! It is so painful. Why is there so much emphasis on pancake breakfasts and craft fairs and festivals and no religious education for adults? It is really rather pathetic! But I continue to attend, because I believe in Christ.
Divorced, middle-aged. No status in church. Do not want a single lady Bible study- that increases isolation. I don’t want to be single, so why would I want to be in a group where they label us as such. Nobody would notice if I didn’t go. Nobody notices that I do. God knows, so I’m there to be with Him. There is no place lonlier, in terms of human interaction, than church and every single one of the social events.
SF
Sparks Flames
8 years ago
I am a young person in the church and yet i have felt out of place and i have seen ny friend get discouraged and he left. I feel left out coz they only include the new people and feel they are more talented and spiritual. I have been depressed about it and even fell into a eating disorder. People respect my father coz hes a pastor but not my mother, sister and me. I decided to be more faithful to church but still feel like i dont belong. Please help.
AH
April Hamilton
8 years ago
This is a great article and I really relate to it. I feel left out at church, because I'm married but have no children and I don't specifically plan on having children. Churches are so typical family-oriented (mom, dad, kids) that I often feel left out. I know they don't do it on purpose. But I think it's so heart breaking to see single people left out or anyone called in a different direction than the majority. Anyone within biblical standards should be included and celebrated in God's Kingdom. There is such a richness that comes in a variety of people within His Kingdom. This led me to reaching out to other ladies in Christ who need friendship, to not feel alone, who are struggling with feeling rejected, maybe deal with anxiety or depression, etc, because we need each other! www.facebook.com/groups/liv... (please feel free to delete if it's not okay to post this here)
Re
reflector84
9 years ago
This is definitely true. In my case I would love to be part of a church that admits single people have different needs than marrieds, even divorced. I am a 55-year-old male who has never had a long-term relationship, and I have been to and left several churches because I never felt they cared about anyone who wasn't married or involved. I honestly don't think there is a church in my area (Mississippi) that cares for singles other than create couples. I feel like my faith is wasted because no one in any of these churches thinks I can be spiritual by myself, and thereby become ignored and isolated. In the world I try to be part of I instead feel discarded. It sure doesn't make church a place I want to be at.
Ho
HopeSummer
9 years ago
Consider also
1 Corinthians 7:35
Ho
HopeSummer
9 years ago
SO SO true - but then t he whole of society is like this - we need to stop treating single people as though they are 'half' of something or 'broken' in some way. It seems we are good enough when we are there to teach your children or baby sit them, but rarely seen as people in our own right. Often single people serve wholeheartedly, thus receiving increased faith and knowing they are serving from God. However if would be better for those of us called to purpose in this way, to be acknowledge for our work in Christ rather than be judged or made to feel different because we have not go a husband or a wife. God doesn't see us this way - why should you?
I Corinthians 7:8-9
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
I feel this way with a family. Other things I do I feel involved and even accepted, but sadly not at church. I get a few greetings & hugs but when everyone visits after its like I'm not there. When I watch kids for another ministry to have childcare they don't even come to room for the kids & greet me. They wait till I bring child out & rarely acknowledge me, or open door & holler for child to come on. It might be nice if they said hello or asked if their child enjoyed class or even maybe just asked if they had been to changed! I'm an unwavering believer but this is hard. It's probably because hubby doesn't go with kids & me, but it's lonely. Other religious and non-faith based things always seem to make me feel more connected. Not sure why but it's hard.
MR
Mohammed reverts back toChrist
10 years ago
All Christians live their lives like they want the world to come to an end. The best way to do that is to say I love God but hate you so much that I don't want to have an actual friendship with you where I actually do things with you and not just seeing you only once every Sunday. That's Satan going to church always prospering defeating and destroying Christianity. Everyone wants to be saved but have no friendships with other members of the church or they have friends that go to church but they don't want to know God's son as their savior.
JV
Juan Valdez
10 years ago
Too bad at Assembly of God they are in league with the devils and don't mind it if my human, civil to get rid of a useless water hose along with garbage happens to be violated by Connecticut police. That's self-contradictory and immorally hypocritical Christians say they love God but allow a satanic government to boss them around and condition into thinking their parking lot is so-called private property so if a fellow believer isn't doing anything wrong the only freedom and right they have is to be hassled by police in Brookfield and to have their right to clean the environment violated.
