What's Underneath Your Need To Know?

The word "know" shows up in John's gospel 130 times. Jesus knows what is going to happen. The people do not. Jesus knows God. The people do not know God. Amid a discourse filled with this language of knowing and not knowing, Jesus tells his closest followers that he is going to be betrayed and, "Jesus was troubled in spirit" (John 13: 21).

Jesus knows the end of the story. He knows the happy ending. And he is still troubled.

This confounds the narrative that I have lived by for much of my life: If I could just know what is going to happen, then I would be okay. But knowing the future (good or bad) is not a remedy for distress. Trying to know the future is just an escape from feeling our feelings. Jesus didn't escape from his feelings with foreknowledge. He felt his feelings.

The other day I was waiting for biopsy results from my doctor's office. I wanted to check my phone every five minutes to see if they had arrived. I started to pay attention to what I was feeling each time I pulled out my phone and I discovered an important emotion: powerlessness. I also discovered a feeling in my body: fatigue.

The results eventually came back and they were great results! But what I needed even more than that knowledge was to pay attention to my powerlessness and fatigue and to invite Jesus into those feelings.

In that same story where Jesus speaks of his betrayer, one of his friends "the one whom Jesus loved" leans upon "Jesus' bosom" (John 13:23). This is our role: not to know the future, but to know God, by leaning upon Jesus's bosom and trusting him with our troubles.

God, I choose to trust you with what is unknown. Help me to lean on you in my powerlessness and fatigue. Amen.

Throughout the Day: Take a moment to reflect. In what ways are you trying to anticipate your future or to gain understanding about a past or present struggle?

As you notice those anxieties, take a few moments and pay attention to your body. What other feelings are there?

Imagine yourself leaning on Jesus’s chest. Tell him about those emotions and thoughts and listen for a moment to his response.