How to Spend More Than You Make

I think being rich is highly overrated. Not everyone wants to be a millionaire. There are a lot of us who are quite content to barely get by and whine our days away. Wealth is too much responsibility, and personally, I chafe at the stifling confines of a budget.

Here are 10 helpful hints if you would like to join the two or three who would rather spend more money than they make.

1. Always go grocery shopping when you’re hungry, preferably with kids. If your own kids are unavailable, or have perhaps grown up and left home, borrow the neighbor’s.
2. Buy a treadmill, or any other high-ticket workout item, that you’ll never use. It works well as a clothes tree, and eventually, if you’re lucky, you can sell it at a loss.
3. Plan to give birth only to girls. That should just about take care of the problem right there.
4. Give birth to kids smart enough and disciplined enough to go to college

   

   Parents: Can you forgive them?
   Fathers: The holes they leave

   , but have enough income just so you don’t qualify for aid.
5. In the heat of summer, run the air conditioner cooler than your husband would like with your children’s windows wide open.
6. Go to a pet store that has all those adorable little furry things “just to look.”
7. Never plan meals in advance, and always buy more perishable produce than you could possibly eat in one week.
8. Buy bell peppers in packages of eight at the membership discount store. The seven that spoil will add color to your compost pile.
9. After your compost has rotted, make sure and spread it on the garden plot, but don’t bother to plant. Besides being too much work, you’ll have a lasting memorial to the corporate farmers who form the backbone of this country.
10. Never plan a vacation. Be spontaneous. Maui is nice this time of year — all on the card.

If you follow these carefully researched guidelines, you should have less than enough to be happy for the rest of your life. But if at the end of the month the figures still don’t add up, put the kids in braces.

Tags: budgeting, Christmas, finances, humor, lilly green, Men, Women, World

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