A new study has confirmed [that] the oldest kid in the family really does bear the brunt of parental strictness, while the younger brothers and sisters generally coast on through.
“The folklore is that parents punish the older child more than the younger ones,” says Lingxin Hao, a sociology professor at Johns Hopkins University and an author of the study … “But it isn’t just folklore — this is a national pattern.”
The study showed that older siblings were much less likely to drop out of school or, in the case of girls, get pregnant, than the youngest in the family, perhaps because they’ve had a lifetime of being held to higher standards. (Source: MSNBC )
The study also concluded that younger siblings “are more likely to take more risks” and “were especially more likely to drop out of school — and get financial support from their parents.”
Are you the oldest sibling in your family (or the youngest) and do you agree with the results of this study? If this study is accurate, how could parents actively attempt to prevent such treatment from occurring?
Photo courtesy of citizenit.
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May 6th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Yes, I think there are many challenges for first born children. One is knowing how to have fun because responsibility has been drummed in to you from as early as you remember…as I remember, being one. The pattern of being responsible for younger siblings seems to continue throughout life. At family functions, you are the one doing the organising, the waiting, the dishes, the cleaning up - it just seems natural to take that role. As parents age, they tend to transfer responsibility for some of their life matters to the eldest. Often, the eldest is the one they trust with their financial affairs. Often, eldest children end up being carers (though not in my family’s case). Younger siblings can be resentful of what they see as their parents’ favour towards the eldest, yet the eldest can resent the parents’ indulgence of the whims of younger siblings. I think oldest daughters have a lot of issues to deal with and it is certainly a good topic to discuss.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:16 am
The oldest does get the brunt of a lot of the parents strictness, but are usually more responsible and capible in life (can you tell I’m an oldest! =) and I agree with Sharon, we should discuss the oldest daughters role and issues that they’ve had to deal with.
I’ve found that being the oldest girl, it’s hard to surrender control to a man and let him be responsible for me. And I find I can seldom be at rest- I always have to be cleaning or organizing ect…
May 6th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
i had only one brother who was 9 years older than me, he was my hero, always helping me with home work taking care of me when my parents we at work he could have resented me but he did not he always called me his little sis till the day he died that was three years ago and i miss him every day
sharonb
May 6th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I agree with Sharon, it is very difficult to learn to have fun after being raised so strict as the eldest daughter. I find myself feeling guilty if I am having fun. I feel I must be cleaning, cooking or helping others all the time and there never seems time to have fun. What kind of sense does that make?
I realize that I am more responsible and deal with reality more than my three younger sisters. I know I need to get rid of some of the resentment I have since I am always supposed to be there for my parents. But when the younger ones show up for an hour or two I never hear the end of how great it was for the younger ones to come visit. I pray about this a lot.
May 6th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
i am the youngest and i am the one who took care of our father when he was sick. i had help from my older brother but most of it was on me and my husband but i do not have any resentment and neither did my brother
sharonb
May 7th, 2008 at 3:22 am
You are blessed, Sharonb, to have such a great relationship with your brother and well done for being so generous with your parents. But Kay and Amanda say things I can instantly identify with. I think we oldest ones want to be good, we want approval for doing the right thing. I always felt some sympathy for the older brother in the story of the prodigal son and for Martha who was busy being “responsible” and preparing the meal. Yet, while it is good to be responsible, it doesn’t necessarily bring joy to our hearts. I know I am very susceptible to guilt. I am sure it must affect how I see God’s love for me. I am learning, though. Have you read John and Stacey Eldredge’s book “Captivating”? That helped me a lot.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:11 am
sharon w i know it must be very defacult for older siblings and don’t mean to make lite of it. i also know i was very blessed to have a brother like i did. but you see i left some things out. we had very abusive parents both verbly and phiscily ,i know i am not spelling this right but hope you can read it anyway, i guess maybe that made a diferance in how he saw me and i saw him. sorry if i took what you and others go through lightly idid not mean to
sharon b
May 7th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I look forward to reading the book. I guess another part of my problem is my dad’s continuing to boss me even in my sixties and if I am unable to do what he says, he just quits speaking to me (sometimes for up to three months). He expects the same from my husband and is speaks rudely to him. I just dislike and am puzzled by his treatment of us as we will drop everything to help him (we live 100 miles away) but if we aren’t available he rarely considers asking one of the others. I know this all sounds petty but it is very hurtful. I guess even at this age I am still seeking his approval. On the other hand Mom is grateful for everything and very loving. I know we all just have a different way of dealing with emotions.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
As the oldest, I agree that undue responsibility and expectations are heaped on the sometimes fragile shoulders of the firstborn. Yes, I am a firstborn. I cannot remember ever feeling like a “little girl”. I always felt responsible for my siblings. On top of my place as “perfect example” was the stress of academic expectations. I struggled with pleasing my parents. Even now as a 47 year old, I want my parents approval. I do not view all of these as necessarily bad things, because I believe they have made me strong and responsible as an adult. However, as a mother of three girls, I have tried very hard to not treat my oldest differently, and I have REALLY tried not to heap responsibility for her sisters on her young shoulders.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I agree with what Sharon W and the other 1st born ladies have said. I am one myself and it hasn’t been easily trying to have a life and having high expectations from my parents for being the eldest yet my younger siblings get away with things that I would never be getting away from. Eventhough it can be burdening, I have come to the conclusion that my parents can and will always set standards for me, but I have the right to do what I feel God’s calling me to do. It’s not easy, I will always be the eldest in the family and God’s always there with me when the loads seems to heaps to handle on my own. Which I’m grateful of.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Very well stated Dee. What would we do without our faith to carry us through each day?
May 11th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I thank Dee and Kay for their comments. Like you said Kay, our faith in Jesus carries us through. I was thinking about Kay’s comment on May 6th. I’m not the oldest sibling biologically. However, being a pastor’s wife I know what it’s like to feel overlooked. I’ve been faithful through thick an thin. I’ve seen many come and go. People who’s commitments have been short lived will do one or two good things for the church and there’s a great celebration. Then very little is said about those who have been committed all along. This use to really bother me but God gave me peace. I may not often see gratitude from those who were helped directly but God has rewarded me through other channels and people indirectly. It took some time for me to recognize this. Today I can say that I am satisfied and fulfilled emotionally and spiritually. Be encouraged Kay, God will eventually reward you for your dedication to your parents.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:19 am
after reading a lot of the posts here i understand better about the oldest child maybe what went on with me and my brother was he was so protective of because of the home life he had and the hitting of me. so to have taken taken it to lightky what you all go through
sharonb
May 12th, 2008 at 5:20 am
ment sorry to have taken lightly
May 20th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Well, Sharonb, you have had your own tough road to walk. These blogs are great for finding other people who have been through similar circumstances. I think there are valid issues for first borns to work through. I know I need to seek to please my Heavenly Father above all, and he rewards me. The more I do that, the less dependent I am on earthly approval. On the other hand, I have never been physically abused, so it is good for me to try and understand what that is all about. It seems to me we are all doing a darn good job where the Lord has placed us, so go do something nice for yourself today because you do deserve it.
Love to all of you,
SharonW
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
sharon w
thank you for your kind words may God bless you and all others who come to this site
sharonb